Miami Hurricane, April 01, 1945

              THE MIAMI
HOOEYCANE
Vol. XIX
Miami, Ohio, April 1, 1945
No. 18
"Anyone Can Read?" States Proff Sploch?
Ten weeks ago at the annual faculty meeting Mr. Sploch, professor of Melodramatics and Anglo-Saxon, professed to an incredulous faculty that anyone, even graduate students at the University, can read. Dr.-Hjerk of the alchemistry department immediately challenged the statement, demanding scientific proof. Mr. Sploch twirled his bow-tie once, took a long drag on his corncob, and did a Virginia reel as he
agreed to conduct the experiment in his two graduate Anglo-Saxon classes.
This week the experiment was finally brought to light and the theory that Anglo-Saxon is a dead language exploded with the publication of “Anyone Can Read?” This reference work (which if we may venture a prediction will soon be standard in every institution of higher learning in the country) is composed of very elementary reading matter in the original Anglo-Saxon. It has shocked the traditionally conservative faculty into a grudging admission that perhaps some few of them may look forward to the day when anyone of them can read.
Roily Roster, president of the studtnt corpse, voices the majority opinion when he says, “It makes me want to learn how to read.”
A few words from Proff Sploch’s forehead may serve to furnish some idea of the masterwork. “Most of my students,” it reads, “have gone a long way toward overcoming the almost universal dread of reading, a dread that often amounts to fear. Halfway through the course the students took to reading their things. In a bare ten weeks they got bold enough to break out. ANYONE CAN READ? is the result/
Perhaps three sainple titles of articles chosen at random from the index will afford a small idea of the comprehensive scope of this publication. They are: “On Beer Drinking,” “On Wine Drinking,” and “Other Types of Drink-»»
mg.
U. To Cut Expenses In Moving
Dr. Throwin D. Cashe, president of the University of Miami, has announced that the new University site announced last week may be subject to change.
“We re going to make the selection of a location into a contest,” Dr. Cashe said. “Our plan is to accomplish a lot and still have fun.”
University students have been divided into two teams, the Dixie highway team and the Biscayne key team. At noon Tuesday the two teams will start from the library in a race to move furniture to the proposed sites of the same name. In this way, furniture moving expenses will be defrayed and the most popular site will automatically be selected.
“Git thar fustest with the most-est,” Will Toyle, captain of the Biscayne key group, has directed his members. Don Barlow, the riv-captain, has ordered his team to “get in there and fight!”
Both teams are equipped with wheelbarrows, baby carriages, pony carts, and pogo sticks for the contest. The team which moves (Continued Somewhere)
THIS IS NO APRIL FOOL GAG
University officials said yesterday that there will be no Easter holiday tomorrow as previously announced. This information is authentic. -
1945 Stork To Deliver BeautyKings
The 1945 Stork, school annual, will feature a male beauty section it was announced by Simon Legree Bochberger, publications reviser.
There will be a $50 fee per entry, and only blonds, brunettes, or red heads with blue, brown, or pink eyes may be put up as entrants. The six three-cornered-pin-up boys to appear on full pages in the Stork will be selected by Gipsy Rose Lee, who was recently voted the girl that fellas would most like to take home to mother—when mother isn’t home.
Entrants must submit a 96x96 glossy print by February 31 to Magrit Blew, editor-on-relief.
Upon announcement of the contest, Lee “Blond Job” Carpainter of Gabba Gabba Gabba sorority entered Jim I. Loveit; Carol Line Hunter entered King Bigham (from the chemistry production of the same name); and Lucy Notyet Jones of Cow Omaybe sorority, put up every member of Sigma Chi. Fof new additions, see the Stork Glub staff.
(Linotype operator, speaking to himself: It could be those ham burgers.)
‘\ See/ Says Blind Bird After Cataract Removal
Henry Trashall, oldest living Snake, the title of the president of the honorary literary society, announced that The Blind Bird has had its cataracts removed.
Funds for the operations were raised through a recent benefit
— reading of the Shake’s own poetry. The Snakes, ever original, charged no admission fee, but a purely voluntary fee was demanded in case any member of the audience should wish to leave before the performance was over. As soon as the poetry reading commenced, money began to roll in.
The revolutionary decision to have the famous cataracts removed was reached at the last weekly reefer-smoker of the society. Mrs. Natty Grimy, faculty inspirer of the group, opposed this move on the grounds that only through suffering can great art be achieved. “No one bad Shakespeare’s cataracts removed,” she objected. Slob-bert Aughn, who has posed the question “But What Will the Blind Bird Do?r at every smoker, started the eyeball rolling.
“Now the Blind Bird can look out for itself,” quothed Trashall.
It’s Not The Food Sa ys Satisfied Patron, It’s The Atmosphere
Outstanding among the landmarks of the University is the historic Ptomaine Ptavern on the western bulge of the main building. Surrounded by swaying palms and grimy palms, it is a haven for those earnest students who ■ desire peace and solitude.
A regular feature of this popular eaterie is the daily contest of eminent Miami bridge players. The main attraction comes on at 4 p.m. when losing players must Publicly forfeit a pound of flesh. A heaven for the connoisseur of food, satisfied patrons have spread de fame of this shop far and wide. Toast, however, may be obtained only before the hour of 11
p.m.
Adoring coeds pause in silent reverence before the portrait of Sibistian Sassy which adorns these hallowed walls. Lug Pinknee and Vic Smell split heads in distinguishing between the philosophies of Aristotle and Plato as a Hooey-cane reporter, Pat Hooey, crawls slowly by, dictaphone in hand.
As the minute hand of the clock reaches fifteen minutes after the hour, eager beavers stampede to class. Desolated though it is during classes, the shop’s Bohemian atmosphere preserves it as the seventy-third ‘must’ stop on the special tourist tour.
Lecture Series To Educate Illiterate Staff
Iman Soakburger, international hot dog salesman and funny paper editor, will start a new series of lectures, designed to educate illiterate newspaper reporters this week.
The first of the 26 lectures will be given Friday at 2:30 and will consist of a discussion, with illustrations, of “The Formation of The Letter ‘A’ ”. Mr. Soakburger also disclosed that he hoped to speak on “The Formation of The Letter ‘B' ”, but it is doubtful whether this will be possible, or practical within the same twenty-four hours.
Several editors of various publications attended his last series entitled “Counting Up To Ten By Ones”, which was successfully completed two weeks ago. Last week’s lecture, “Spell Your Name Correctly” was a complete failure which ended in shrieking hysteria on the part of both audience and speaker, and brought to light the need for the present series.
Cigarette Girls To Make Rounds
Cigarette machines in the Slop Shop, cafeteria, offices, and dormitories will be filled regularly beginning today, recent announcements have indicated. A special service for students will be instituted by the administration next week when cigarette girls will go from class to class to replenish the student supply. No Tappa New girls will serve as the cigarette vendors-
Girls’ Dorm To Install New Services
In an effort to increase the number of girl dormitory students so that seven girls may be assigned to a single room instead of the present five, the University administration has announced several innovations in dormitory organization.
One of the most welcome of changes will be the installation of maid service. Students will still be expected, however, to make their beds, scrub the floors, and polish the closet skeletons. After students collect all trash, put it in the waste paper basket, and put the basket outside the door, the maids will empty the trash. The success of the new maid service system will depend upon student cooperation.
It is expected that the new hospitalization service to be offered to dormitory girls will mark the University of Miami as one of the most progressive colleges in the country. For an additional fee of $50, girls may receive this service which features free band-aids for minor scratches and bruises. Salt will be provided for gargling in case of sore throats. Because of the shortage of doctors, nurses, and serum due to the" war, thg service will not include treatment of measles, mumps, small pox, broken bones, concussion, leprosy, elephantiasis, malaria, pellagra, hook-worm, hang-nail, and stubbed toes. It is also specified that students must furnish their own aspirin for headaches.
Out Of The Skillet Into Pothellenic
Pothellenic laboratory, as denounced last week, will be held in the first cave of the Venetian pool too darn soon for comfort. More indefinite entrails will be given later, Goanne Foundry, precedent of the Pothellenic council, said the other day at 12:03 p.m.
All sorority girls will be caught in bear traps the day of the affair, bound and gagged, and dragged to the excruciating lectures. Girls who fail to attend will be flogged in the rotunda at the next assembly. Everyone is encouraged to come.
A topic of general interest, “What Causes Silibrubs to Burble and Why/ will be discussed by the main speaker. Repercussion groups will talk over subjects of sorority interest such as “Who Stole the House Fund?” and “How to Torture Your Pledges With Finesse.” Other groups will be demoted to discussion of special occifers.
Dean Merritt Be Merry, council reviser, has promised that the laboratory will be one of the most deplorable functions of the year.
(L. O.: Where can I get a doctor at this hour?)
LOST—One mohair-lined bathtub with ring-remover attachment. Return to wit.
Giving All A’s Is My Weakness, SaysDean
Addressing an audience of five apoplectic listeners last evening, Dean Honest I’llcrackem spoke on “The Perils of Professoring.'’ Among the dangers which threaten teachers, the dean said, delving into his own personal experience, is the temptation to give every student A’s.
“Restrain yourselves, teachers,” Dean I’llcrackem advised, “and realize that some students are just naturally A- calibre.” In making this point, the speaker stated that he was once forced to give a student B for failure to attend any classes. By way of further explanation he said, “I felt it necessary to take this course of action because the student involved had dropped after the first class session/-