Miami Hurricane, March 29, 1991

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OPERATION
STORM
APRIL FOOL'S EDITION
SOje Mimi Biotti
MMMH
FU2
FRIDAY, MARCH 29, 1991
CONTENTS COPYR1GHT0 1991 THE MIAMI BLOW
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Let them eat...
‘Liberation of confections’ begins
as ROTC forces batter Marriott
»•
DFSSFRT STORM?
Hero, according to Military Inteligonce. is the summary of the day s events in the Barf War
©Army ROTC taunted AFROTC.
©Bogged down in sand volleyball oourts ©Rope bridge built over canal © 1 st Raid Defogger runs ©A- my ROTC encounters spinach lasagna minefield (3 lost)
Ql ard slick sighted Jl2nd Raid Delogger runs fiRnpe hndgo crumbles. under barrage of "beet patties " ©Marriott elite "RESPECT Guard" seen ordenng Chinese takeouts
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INSIDE
•	ORDER OF THE IRON PHALLUS: In an investigative report. The Miami Blew removes (ho mystery that surrounds the 'highest honor attained at UM Page 5
e HURRICANES TAKE FINAL FOUR BY STORM: In a bizarre twist of late, the otherwise loser UM basketball team played In the NCAA Tournament and defeated UNLV Page 6
•	ALL THE ADS ARE REAL:
The Miami Bln»is a somewhat annual attempt at humor, but the advertisements are real Please read them carefully and patronize the businesses that have spent so much money to put them there
By ENTER NAME IN CAPS
Stall Blower
The University of Miami administration, ditching all hopes of attracting potential rocket scien-'tists and aquatic textile engineers lunderwater basket weaversl to campus, is attempting to create the finest family theme park and educational center this side of Disney
The University's Master Plan, presented to Coral Gables in November, in January, in February and once again in March, aims to reclaim UM's reputation as "Suntan U." It will move to scrap the School of Music for a beach Since students don't use the University Center, it is slated for demolition, to be replaced hy a parking garage and wave pool.
"Hey, I gave it a shot. Tried to make the place better. Screw it. Let's make money," UM president
interview after winning a guess my size" contest at Hooters.
Board of Trustees Secretary Dorothy Ball provided more information on the new program: "It'll be very good for the community. We ll put in watershdes and fun rides and other things and we'll lose that damn fountain, I never liked it anyway." she said.
The idea is that one can earn Uni versity credits at old Suntan U. by riding the various attractions. Parkgoers will be graded on whether or not they kept their eyes open the whole time, if they kept their hands up on the roller coaster and other criteria.
Foote said, "I like the idea. You can earn a degree with just a four-day pass.”
A one-dav pass will Cost approxi-I’lcascsir faa< "/-SUNTAN U.
Demolition of music school makes way for theme park
Tad "I'm Bad" Foote VI said in an
Cheesecake-
lemon pie
reportedly
are targets
‘Will not eat,’ cadets promise
By ROBERT-REMINGTON SCOTT NIGEL THOMAS AQUINAS MARSHALL
Super Genius
With the war cry of “God, Country and Little Debbie," and a call from President Tad “yes, it’s actually 12 inches" Foote, the University of Miami's Army ROTC "Tropical Depression" Battalion launched Operation: Dessert Storm this morning in an effort to liberate the local confectionaries from the University cafeterias.
In the early morning, students just getting ready for bed could hear the screams of camouflaged mayhem emanating from the areas around Mahoney/Pearsnn and Stanford/Hecht residential college dining halls.
"This one’s for 'Stormin' Norman," one cadet was quoted as saying.
The cadets fared minor opposition from the regular defense forces, who seemed to he in a state of confusion as to whether the UDS on their hats stood for University Dining Services or the abbreviation of the Spanish "ustedes.” However, the elite forces — graduates of Marriott's rigorous RESPECT program were entrenched The cadets could not. in many instances, get past the front lines without their Cane Cards.
Major Karl “just-want-my-own-command" Roesser gave the Hlrni the military briefing in which he expained the reasons for the offensive.
“Those cakes and cookies have been held prisoner in those halls for weeks and months," Roesser said. "Day after day they are tortured and put on display for gawking students, and day aftrr day they are left to rot and harden.
"This is cruel to do to the desserts and cruel to threaten students with such atrocities," he added "If they would pop them [cake fossils) in a microwave for just a few seconds at half power, but sprinkle a little water on them first, they would si ill seem fresh. But I digiess."
When asked whether or not Air Force cadets were also used. Koes-ser said, "C’mon. Air Force? Here? These cadets? C'mon."
Other sources say the Air Force was given an order to begin carpet
I’lrasc si< finxi .'//DESSERT
D Vfl UP/PhotoGeek
THE SMOKE GOT IN HIS EYES UM President Tad Foote attempts to form complete sentence' during a press conference yesterday tor the Miami Coalition
Foote discusses role of drugs in our society
Rv KANT TITHTHIS
A Nobody
Al a press conference yesterday, President Tad “give-em an-inch-they’ll-take-a" Foote VI explained his involvement w'th the Miami Coalition against drugs.
Foote said he was involved in several areas of drug testing, hut he became a little hit confused with what his role was spcrtfiral ly.
"There was random drug testing stuff. So, like, I randomly lest ed a few things," Foote murmured through a serious recrc ational narcotics hangover. "I stopped about two hours ago. Dude, I’m still s* eing trails I'm totally tripping my off "
Boh Martinez, former gover nor-despot of Florida, said, "When we saw the 1 winkle dumping those little blue pills down his throat and chewing on those little mushrooms, we fig
ured, hey, it's too late to do anything now. Let's have some fun with him."
Martinez reportedly donned a walrus suit and a set of Roller Blades and began reading from Mite in Wonderland, while other coalition members played tapes of Tiffany in the background in reverse.
"The Twinkle started swaying bark and forth and singing something like, 'I'm gonna break these chains and wear orange cullottcs all day ' We thought he might begetting a little out of control, so we gave him a beer and tried to imagine how his perceptions of Ihe world were changing,” Marti nez said.
After a laughing fit of nearly 20 minutes, Foote said. "It was mind blowing. These kids today just don’t know what I'm missing I'm gonna write about all my experiences and knock those little Joyce Scholars up in the English department off their high horses."