Spoof edition of The Rustonian, March 15, 1945

              Weather report;
There will he a mild cyclone
for yesterday
Temp.: 5000* C.
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Vol.?
Timbuktu, March 51-4591
No. 6
RUFF TRIES TO SHOOT O'KIEFFE BUT GETS
MEATBALLS CRAMMED DOWN HIS THROAT!
This newspaper has been passing
comments in its last few issues concerning the unrest existing between the students and the teacher in that notorious
seventh grade. Well, it finally hap'
pened!
On Wednesday morning, February
17, the Rustonians Cruising Photo'
grapher'Reporter, ?iamsirhc Lien, was
witness to one of the most startling
events of Ruston s (?) years of existence
Evidently Jac\ Q^O'Horseplay) Ruff
had had enough. On this fateful morning he smuggled an Acme Junior Detective 200'shot Water Pistol into his classroom   (very  craftily  hidden under  his
/
■    •••,
ring and commenced the class. There
was a slight gleam in his left eye —probably because he had just washed his
glass eyeball— as he opened the text'
boo\ titled, "How to Coo\ Mother
Murphy$ Medicated Meatballs"s Ruff
began the session by as\ing if anyone
knew how to coo\ meatballs. Dug (Double Answer ) O'Keiffe raised his hand
and exclaimed, "I \now two ways, Sir!"
The events that followed were quite
confusing.
Ruff reached for his pistol, jumped on
top of his des\ and too\ careful aim at
fake getaway of math review
class puzzles the dragnut
the class (the spray covers a large area).
He pulled the trigger —but, alas— he
had forgotten to refill the water com'
partment. The blood drained from his
face as he realized his position. In the
meantime the class rose as one and
advanced toward the impetuous professor. O'Keiffe ran to the \{itchen, grab'
bed a handful of Mother Murphy s
Medicated Meatballs, which were being
served that day for lunch, and slowly
crammed it down Ruffs throat. At this
moment the Rustonians secret agent,
disguised as a piece of fallen plaster,
too\ the exciting picture located at the
top of this pdge.
A violent spasm overtoo\ "J. H. R."
A doctor was called in, and the diagnosis
showed his trouble to be food poisoning.
Thus, Ruff spent Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, and Sunday recuperating from
his "sic\ness:" The twofold moral of
this incident is indeed an important one
(Continued page 6)
THE RUSTONIAN again gives
its readers an exclusive. Taken
from the official files of the R.B.I.
(Ruston Bureau of Investigation).
This is an official report as narrated by one of the detectives:
I was cruising towards school
one day when I received a flash on
my two-way wrist radio from the
chief. The orders were to get right
over to room 13 —the Math Review Class had made a break and
had successfully gotten away,
(da - da - raa — da-da-da-da-raa-da
—da-da-raa-da-daaa).
As I swung into the building a
suspicious looking character loitering by a locker attracted my
attention. I booked him on an
11:47 —loitering while loitering—
and proceeded to ask questions.
"I hear there's been a break," 1
said, "You were in the area, wanna
tell me about it?" His answer had
direct bearing on the case, "Well,
(Continued page 4)
J. D. B. FACES JUSTICE
HEADMASTER ARRESTED
By W. Pritchett, Night Reporter
The headmaster of a private
school was arrested last night by
one of his former pupils and sentenced by another. The culprit,
listed as James D. Baker, Director
of Ruston Academy, was charged
with posing as blind man and panhandling on the streets of Havana.
The arrest was made by Officer
Joseph Allen, who was patrolling
his beat at the corner of Prado
and Neptuno at the time. Officer
Allen stated at the hearing before
Judge Pedro Suarez that he recog-
(Continued page 3)