Spoof edition of The Rustonian, March 15, 1945

              VOL.?
No. 6
Weather report;
There will he a mild cyclone for yesterday
Temp.: 5000* C.
RUFF TRIES TO SHOOT O’KIEFFE BUT GETS MEATBALLS CRAMMED DOWN HIS THROAT!
fake getaway of math review
CLASS PUZZLES THE DRAGNUT
This newspaper has been passing comments in its last few issues concerning the unrest existing between the stu* dents and the teacher in that notorious seventh grade. Well, it finally hap' pened!
On Wednesday morning, February 17, the Rustomans Cruising Photo' grapher'Reporter, J^amsirhc Lien, was witness to one of the most startling events of Ruston s (?) years of existence Evidently Jac\ (l^O'Horseplay) Ruff had had enough. On this fateful morn' ing he smuggled an Acme Junior Detec* tive 200'shot Water Pistol into his class* room (very craftily hidden under his
ring and commenced the class. There was a slight gleam in his left eye —prob-ably because he had just washed his glass eyeball— as he opened the text' boo\ titled, “How to Coo\ Mother Murphy's Medicated MeatballsRuff began the session by asking if anyone \new how to coo\ meatballs. Dug (Dou' ble Answer ) O’Keiffe raised his hand and exclaimed, “I \now two ways, Sir!” The events that followed were quite confusing.
Ruff reached for his pistol, jumped on top of his des\ and too\ careful aim at
the class (the spray covers a large area). He pulled the trigger —but, alas— he had forgotten to refill the water com' partment. The blood drained from his face as he realized his position. In the meantime the class rose as one and advanced toward the impetuous profes-sor. O’Keif fe ran to the ¡{itchen, grab' bed a handful of Mother Murphy’s Medicated Meatballs, which were being
served that day for lunch, and slowly crammed it down Ruff’s throat. At this moment the Rustonian’s secret agent, disguised as a piece of fallen plaster, too\ the exciting picture located at the top of this page.
A violent spasm overtook “J. H. R.” A doctor was called in, and the diagnosis showed his trouble to be food poisoning. Thus, Ruff spent Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday recuperating from his <(sic\ness.” The twofold moral of this incident is indeed an important one (Continued page 6)
THE RUSTONIAN again gives its readers an exclusive. Taken from the official files of the R.B.I. (Ruston Bureau of Investigation). This is an official report as narrated by one of the detectives:
I was cruising towards school one day when I received a flash on my two-way wrist radio from the chief. The orders were to get right over to room 13 —the Math Review Class had made a break and had successfully gotten away, (da - da - raa — da-da-da-da-raa-da —da-da-raa-da-daaa).
As I swung into the building a suspicious looking character loitering by a locker attracted my attention. I booked him on an 11:47 —loitering while loitering— and proceeded to ask questions. “I hear there’s been a break,” I said, “You were in the area, wanna tell me about it?” His answer had direct bearing on the case, “Well,
(Continued page 4)
J. D. B. FACES JUSTICE
HEADMASTER ARRESTED
By W. Pritchett, Night Reporter
The headmaster of a private school was arrested last night by one of his former pupils and sentenced by another. The culprit, listed as James D. Baker, Director of Ruston Academy, was charged with posing as blind man and panhandling on the streets of Havana.
The arrest was made by Officer Joseph Allen, who was patrolling his beat at the corner of Prado and Neptuno at the time. Officer Allen stated at the hearing before Judge Pedro Suarez that he recog-(Continued page 3)