Miami Hurricane, April 1, 1937

              T fi K
Miami
Te

° £ F I S H y A
V. 1 ! STE WD
Hooeycane
FOR THINKING FEEBLE
Ni DESPAPER O F THE O N I O N V E R S I T Y OF Ml A M l
STUPID HATTON RE-ELECTED
A â v it.--
°. ALUMNI HEAD 53RD TIME
Association for the^Tco^ÎecuiL^nnK5	prcsident of the Onionvcrsity Alumni
telephone booth in Yumpin’ Yimmies' P t annUai meetlng held y««rday in the ri!-	—	Package Store. Some 50,000 members were present.
IN THE
NEWD
Supreme Court Hacks Roosevelt Ester line Goes to Stun ford A Tidy Sum
Ry George Wheelbarrow
The new move by the Supreme (.ourt to pack President Roosevelt is viewed with alarm. Dictatorship by the judges seems inevitable. They propose to appoint another President Roosevelt lor every President Roosevelt who refuses to resign when he reaches the age of 59y2. The result will be-catastrophic. American liberty will be destroyed. Republicans won’t get five cents a word for articles in the Saturday Evening Post on freedom anymore. The Supreme Court will be in a position to declare any law unconstitutional it wants, because too many President Roosevelts won’t all be able to give fireside talks and the people won’t be able to listen to all of them and Congress will have its hands tied.
Jim‘Farley made the first state-merit ojgRieMem'ocraUe jjaATyy^efpre ¿'"crowd \>r anxious rejforieiT lie ¡“1-lowed, "Go lick a postage stamp!” Republicans took this to mean that a different type of glue would be used on the spring issue of postage stamps, so they began to holler about extravagance and taxes. Ex-President Herbert Hoover, reached at Santa Anita Race. Track while- playing the horses, declared that the present administration is reckless with money.
So, we watch developments in Washington. I think I can teel sale in saying that something will happen this week in the nation’s capital. —upsie—
Sit-down strikes hold sway in Detroit. Chrysler pooh-poohs labor-leader Lewis. Governor Murphy rants. Commodity prices rise. Capital sits tight. Profits fall. So do airplanes. Death stalks the highways. Debts pile up. War looms.. Esterline goes to Stanford. Inflation threatens. Miami booms. Hitler dictates. Spain storms. Labor struggles. Riots. Murder. Europe fears. Patio peeks.
■ —upsie— •
110,500,000,000.00 Spent on rebel during the past lour years. .1 he trouble is relief never pays it back. The taxpayers have to loot t w That means you, you, you, and you. There’s a tidy sum. Converted into ten dollar bills and laid end to end they’d go three times around tie world at the equator. And you know what that means. That’s more,, you can shake a stick at.
beckie will
WRITE HER
memoirs
—upsie—
Miss Grin IN. Berritt, dean of women at the Onionversity, has been asked byi I rue Confessions to write her memfe for the public.
‘ "Metnoi*s of a 'Mat-d.sehim” ‘will «fie
/ ,J%£-rafrd rdithfo
bound in asbestos and priced reasd&T ably at $14.65 per copy, f ree road maps of Homestead, Ojus and Zeplryr Hill will be given with each subscription.
Miss Berritt has had an interesting and uh, ah, eventful life. While matriculating at Swingooia Collitch. Gawgia, she achieved early fame by capturing honors in the long distance expectoration contest. Because of the benefit of her many years;of experience in chewing Black Lfev\% Plub Tobaccy, Miss Berritt was able to eliminate all comers by establishing a new all-time long distance record of 75 feet (with the wind.)
Since that time Miss . Berritt has twice been included in "Who's Who in tfie Sewing Circles” and once in the Police Razette. Last summer she was offered a long-term contract with Nimsky’s but declined on account of chillbrains.
Folowing are-a few choice hits
from the “Memoirs”:
Jan. 1. Awoke this morning at 11:30 for my 8:30 class — decided not to go. Resolved to write every day in my diary. Had a hot time last night; spent four hours drinking hot lemonade at the Quick and Dirty Gril le. Was poured into a taxi at four a.m. Arrived at dormitory at 5:30. Entered by way of laundry chute. Ho. hum. think I’ll stay in bed and get a sick excuse from the dorm matron
Hatton’s powerful political machine; Yam many Hall, swept aside all opposition to put their* champion (yo-yo player and cream puff eater) in power again.
. The opposition thought they finalh had Hatton whipped when they started a whispering campaign recently charging him with embezzlement of Association’s rag dolls and rattles. Tatton’s coherts completely stifled the . opposition by sta-, tioning themselves at the ballot E)ox and blowing their breaths in the opposition’s faces,
Hatton issued the following in his native tongue last night from a turk-ish hath where he was attempting to sober up after an alcohol rub. “I.*?! !c (111 7*!&7 9* 7* 9* 9ce5 $%se &Z I zzzz . , . brx erk bla!” Unquote.
—upsi*--
—upsie
Proovin Says Maybe 3 More than in ’36, Maybe
DEATH CAR
Herewith is reproduced the twisted wreckage of a 1937 Model 7 XXX Cozy Collegiate coupe. All that remains of the proud beauty that met its fate at the hands of the northbound 11:15 last'night. Later in the evening the party was joined by three of1 the boys from up Atlanta way,, accompanied by a Lambda Phoey. For details and casualty list see page six. Unquote.
On içn versity Players To Present
Tipsy RoseLeeHere April Foist
----- irP
up;
> vU
Fiend, SnarW
xm not
Snarl Fiena, Snarl
—upsie—	«
The immediate country surrounding Tahiti Beach was inundated late Saturday afternoon when Snarl Fiend, local high diving champ, fell off the ten foot board into the murky waters of the hay. Three people standing on shore were knocked unconscious by flying fish caused by Fiend’s unprecipitated precipitation.
Fiend came to the Onionversity in the spring of ’87 to play in the Coconut Grove Mickey Mouse Orchestra. Since that time, he has endeared himseff to teachers and faculty alike, having had his name printed three times in Rattio Squeaks.
Reporters bent on interviewing Fiend to ascertain the extent of his injuries found him seated under a gooseberry bush placidly embroidering a ruffle for his new Easter rompers. Asked for a statement. Fiend said: “In all my years of high diving —and believe me, they are many— I have never had a narrower escape than last Saturday’s escapade. I was indeed fortunate in having donned my water wings'. How do you make
these denn French knots?” Unquote. -----------unquote--
DR. SLOBERTS THROWS PARTY FOR FACULTY

/Continued on pa9e
4444-U
can suauv. v. _
Beerson Leads Zoo Class In Search for Phylum Euspongia
---unquote-
the how of the S. S. ’
Sunkenbottom is Miss of
vho is one of the star fish—upsie. I mean pu'pi the zoology department. Bet
dips
vertebrates, class cigaretas,
ween
-----unquote----
Basking in the sun’s rays On Mooreal MacFondle. w
in the hay in quest of water Phylum Euspongia-. order offamea. Miss MacFondle puts in her time lupping cola-colas and encouraging the freshman football team on to greater achievements.
The Sardine Foology are conducted each year Bluejay Foo Beerson. of the spring term, the class takes
the students gather first-hand information about s of dead fish and ersters which
classes by Dr. At the end
a trip to Life (Marine
the Keys where
life) bringing hack specimens oi
after about three days begin to lose their scientific value—hut the\ take on an awful good odor.
eJ
-unquote-
Dr. John G. (Whiz) Slohberts entertained a group of about 40 faculty members and their little biddies in the patio yesterday morning between 8 and 9 o’clock by serving a bottle of Bock beer which he had won on a punch board at the little Gypsy Cock-taille Barre.
Dr. Slohberts. who is extremely unpopular with both faculty members and students alike, was able to play host to such a gathering under the pretense that he was going to serve a case of bergundy which he alleges a friend (Oh Yeah?) of his in F rance sent him for Christmas. It will he remembered that this saine *Dr. Slohberts has attempted to crash j the society of the Onionversity before I under similar circumstances.
—upsie^—
* n-iiLn Jf-nnv'	,,	. a i .
Y unnerstan’ me, unquote. ich iW~>rt. hut graphic coarse at Colombia, Miss lee is going to appear at the Onionversity of Miami, TfV all off,” said Mjss Lee. "I can't take it any longer. I’m a-really coniming down to the Onionversity of Miami, where they really appre-
UtDA
eiate higher education, where they understand Beethoven and Bach, Maeterlinck and Minsky.” Unquote.
“Vie are fortunate indeed to have the opportunity of seeing an artiste of such ability” unquote, “and such agility” said Alma Modder. dramatic head; “We welcome her with open eyes” Unquote.
Concluding the interview. Miss Lee stated, “I must leave for my dentists' now. he is straightening my teeth. I must look to my looks, for my face is my fortune.” -Unquote.
-----unquote?,--
Sleepidoff Tobasco Ain’t Mad No More
—upsie—
This picture is an action photo of Pill Tobasco and Dill Sleepidoff in one of their heated fencing matches.
Tobasco’has juBt made a touche on Sleepidoff for five bucks and the latter, fairly glutted with indignation, has threatened to slash Tobasco's wrist. However, it’s all in fun and the boys are really bosom pals. Just the other day Tobasco let Sleepidoff copy his term paper for sociology 101 and Dill graciously responded hv giving Pill three licks off his all-day sucker (it was raspberry too.)
ur.
STRAND&/WITH NIMSKY TROUPE
—upsie—
Those four crowd-drawing potaters — upsie, I mean debaters — of the Onionversity are stranded in Kis-simee, Flourida, where the Nimsky troupe is wintering. Coach Otho Over-lookit wired the authorities: “Having a time, wish you were here.” Unquote. The team has no immediate plans, being all dated up.
Dave Hencoop and Cherry W inkle-berry, the negative team, in their first contest crushed a dozen oranges Sunday. Milton W asherwoman and “Hick” Daring wrestled the Gators into submission Monday,
The team wakes up every morning with a jag — upsie, I mean a jog around the town as a conditioner. Coach Overlookit believes in strict training for his team. Beer is out, except on two occasions — before and after meals.
At present the itinerary includes: hangovers — upsie, I mean stopovers —at Rollers, Paint Bleetersburg and
(Continued on pope 44444J

HARY’S "HAYWIRE
Hary Haywire Proovin. Registrar, announced today that registration figures to date were 99 44/100% pure. However, unquote, this does not necessarily mean that because the Spring Term Registeation shows a Jotal of 834, against a W inter Term Registration of 835 that there is not a tremendous increase. It is even expected that a goodly number will actually attend class. This strikes a new note (do) in the annals of the Onionversity. and is expected to set a precedent for every third something.
Mr. Proovin (what’s good in the ’third) stated'in closing that the tote for the day as recorded on the mighty Vi urlitzerbv W bailey (Daily-Double ) Trucker set a new high for any single day’s play.
Editors Note: It woijd surprise you to know what ends u really good reporter will go to get the facts; jnsl fot’ example, our Mr. Muckenfcuss. who handled t he & hove. case, dropped ¡a.nickle in ^in 1 got two lemons and | a plum/* a total of three: nothing
daunted our Mr.'Mt*rk?nfuss. dropped
.
another coin in the slot am* tlus'tiiitK garnered a plum and two lemons, again three. Three times three is nine, hut that was much too slow for our Mr. Muckenfuss, he took nine hundred; and nine hundred .minus sixty-six (you know 3 times two times ve olde lucky ’leven I w hich gave him the authentic figures of the Spring Term registration, despite the hearts efforts of Mr. Proovin. Unquote.
McCRACKLIN SEZ NO MORE EXAMS
—upsie—
Professor Oinest C. (Censored) McCrackiin announced last night while standing in front of the $5.00 combination window at the Flag-ra(*. Dog Track that he never intends to give another examination.
Speaking in his fascinating Bah-ston (Kaintuckey) accent, Professor McCrackiin said, “Ah hev jest heered aboiit a feller who oncet freed all the slaves in th’ South. So thet gave me an idee. Ah is goin’ to free all mah students from evah having to take examinations from me agin’.” Unquote.
Harsha Mangrove has recently returned from the Givem Hell convention in Apanta, Gawgia, where she has been doing nobody knows exactly what but she brought back some
-unquote-
SABOTAGE!
—upsie—
Dambda Lie sorority announces the /fail	date of their annual hip-shake—upsie
Classes had to be dismissed for the ~we mean shipwreck dance for April ,	.	.1	•	.1 i „il 17th. Dancing will be from 9:30 till
morning due to the noise the drunken	.	®	_
e	5 or 6 in the morning. Informal attire
throng made when they discovered L in order; slacks, shorn and gigolos they had been duped.	1 are encouraged.
Esthetic	Athlete,Dainty Dame
Delve Deeply in Classic Prose
"The student are taking out more hooks for general reading.” said Mrs. Looey Leery, librarian, “which I like to see, because.,it is a sign that they are reading on their own. and not because their studies require it.
“Why only last week. Nat Glokovv- j ski went out w ith a brand new copy j of The Rover Boys in Foreign Waters and Andy Gsaky was loaded down with Tom Swift and His Electric Rifle
"1 find that the hoys, bless ’em are much more interested in this scientific type of litreture, than in those dry. stuffy old classics which Dr.
Laughton J. Hoe prescribes.” Unquote.
“And the girls, why I cn scarcely keep a copy of Esquire. No! Of course they don’t look' at the cartoons; they are interested in. too. too vitally interested in the live, living literature of today.” Unquote.
“But then, on the other hand, we simply have loads of calls for Elsie Dinsmore; the little darlings just simply can’t get enough of it.” Unquote.
“All in all. I’m very much en-
%


couraged." said Mrs. Leery, “it’s awfully nice to see a voluntary interest in the nobler works. I'm delighted.” Unquote. And Mrs. Leerv.
so are we.
JER 25
4e
iy
fill Be
STS
i Day of
1 V
ntry upon Univer-ery one decade ; com-thy as jate a educa-Gables listrict i lead-g and West.
Tnd faculty lepartment of special iversity of he Third ,y irows T visiting
\
t to play its in the
-»-air con-ug, box-among ithletic •ertain-
ts. De-
.emonstra-afternoon show the Jsity durits incep-ublic with .udents to-
atio
) held in all
yvular morn-vjhe Univer-ilyt sorority -«omen’s dor-nd evening, ir at 12:30 supplied by ;;\o d&ftcvnë» deliver the auditor-aent will nm con-nan and i ¿sh play, ; \ an stu-
! iity of I being in the •Walter
Ml
Victor his ad-
IN
Vie third . building reception at .nior girls of schools. The ' ' ’ .the Uni-- „.esses for ; Pent-?nt; Miss women; U the re-1 in the our of
semble f salon al hall. 3epart-am of ? dem-
jotany, . ihysics, >gy ex-
«


after-
LES INS
lit the lat day better reciate .his in-irea.
' th day
f Coral .ipril 7, said : is our learn-ittract-Gables .•ict, sc rogres; mattei to al
, »>
uded thi following izens an< ty durinj come t< Ç 'ue valu i jle Miam