Miami Hurricane, April 03, 1979

              Lj rfew-Cay
Eakers-Bray
J
Ill-Way
By ATTILA THE HUN
UM Public Relation! Director
Armed security guards, vicious german shepards. barred windows and a 10 p.m curlew will be enforced today due to the complaints hv students and security guards
concerning the new dorm security plan enacted last week.
It was denied by official sources that hollow-point "dumdum” bullets were issued to the security force. “We figured that live ammo was more than enough. And besides, the budget wouldn't pay for
the hollow points. Some of the guys wee pretty dissapointed though " According to Jorge Shafter, Director of Residence Halls, the plan to check residents ID's after 12 a.m-failed,"security guards were harassed by angered students who forgot their ID’s and were forced to


Miami Hurricane MR BILI
Editor At Work
Here you can see the serious process of selecting a replacement News Editor when the real one quits for reasons unknown. Bui you're no fools are you? This is actually a photo of the Editor ut ihe Hurricane doing one ol the ihmgs
he gets paid to do — checking Co-eds for pedicures. When you are the Editor of the Hurricane you gel to do fun things like this. Being the Editor means that everyone else does all the work and you get all the credit. Don't you wish that you were the Editor; but you’re not. So back to the books, Sap!
spend the night in the lobby."
"We were considering letting students rent sleeping bags at $10 per night when they forgot their ID's, but we dont want to make a profit off UM students."
According to Shafter.the armed security guards will be stationed in the dorms 24 hours a day, every day to keep a "close watch" on students (something like a "Big Brother"pro-gram).
“UM students will be treated like little children (he implied prisoners). students will not be coming in drunk at 4 a m. anymore,"Shafter said.
The Hurricane learned from a confidential source (someone in the Student Affairs) that this security plan is a plot by the administration to rule the students, where "they" openly refer to the armed security guards as "Big Brothers."
According to Shafter, with the old security plan, the Wells Fargo guards were unarmed and unprotected against "those spoiled UM students staggering in at sunrise who couldn't even remember their names."
The curfew begins tonight for all residents and if you consider missing this curfew, be prepared to suffer the consequences.
Shafter refused to inform the Hurricane of the consequences, but according to a confidential source (someone in Dr. Green's office) “students will deal directly with the armed guards, who wouldn't mind getting rid of a few students here and there."
"I have listened to private con-verstations between various administrators,” please don't print this, the source said. "But. I heard that the security guards have instructions to use their guns when ha-
Continued Somewheres Else
E-Bay Ot-Shay

Kb %m
hx-lluw in-May
tve-Hax Oii-Yay Ot-Gay Any-\ ay
Lin mans-Law or-Ay Rorers,
Da in mit ?!
By MJW FLASH
Drug Addict
You can call ’em vitamins, or you can call ’em biscuits, or you can call ’em Lemmons, but you doesn't have to call 'em Quaaludes . ..
Now thanks to an ingenious idea on thepart of the Rorer Pharmaceutical Company of Fort Washington, Pa. you don't ever have to worry about having your most confidential plans for procurement or use of me-thaqualone overheard by the Feds.
Whispered queries of, “Hey, man, you got any 'ludes?" are now obsolete since Rorer sold its popular Quaalude line to the people at Lemmon
Now you can call your dealer on the phone and ask, “Hey, man. you got any Lemmons?"
Let's see the Feds try to convict you on that one!
This move by Rorer follows the precedent set by the Coca-Cola Bottling Company when it added the completely unnecessary trademark “Coke" to its foremost product.
Since that time, a friendly competition has existed between the corporate giants of America to name their products with words that can double as terms for recreational drugs.
The competition has produced such useful catch-words as "pot” (coined by those sly dogs at Revere
Ware as a synonym for marijuana), "toot" (another code-word for cocaine originated by the makers of Lionel Trians) and "shit" (coined by the manufacturers of F.x-I^x, this simple buzz-word can be used to describe almost any drug at all)
Economic Advisor to President Carter James Kahn, who is known for renaming economic recessions as "bananas," favors the renaming of anything whose name has a negative connotation.
“I think some one should take the iniative and rename herion "lollipops," call war "yahtzee," and think of Jimmy Carter as "Santa Claus," said Kahn
■■■■■■■
Hit or Miss?
What could this be? Did UM president Henry King Stanford miss his mouth with that spoon? Or could there be a reason for it tp be so obviously placed benesth
his OdStfllST We don t know, and we really don t care After all, this is Harry Rimm s newspaper now and this picture wasn t his idea. Call us at x 4401 if you have any questions. Or just call us and give us a hard time. We deserves it.

*


Administration
Enacts Coitus
Interruptus On
Grand Scale in Pearson
By MRS. MARGARET SPINSTER
Self-Appointed UM Morels Advisor
In a never-ending battle to improve the moral character of the UM woman. Security and Residence Halls have removed all males from Pearson Hall.
Male students evicted from Pearson will be housed in tents on the UM intramural field until appropriate housing can be found for them
“It's something that I've wanted to do for a long time — ever since Pearson went co-ed in 1976.” the Director of Housing said.
"We've had nothing but problems with that dorm — boys in girls’ rooms, girls in boys' rooms, members of the opposite sex in the elevator at the same time. It’s downright disgusting," he stated.
"I told them their daughters probably were in bed, but that
didn't seem to comfort the parents much. So we’re implementing a
English Prof \iominated for fioi Prize
B> CHRIS CRYSTAL
Ulfll f	*1 AM m* WAflM
Sylvester Boring, renowned UM professor of English, has been nominated to recleve the 1979 Nobel Piece Prize for Pornography.
More commonly known as "Sexy Les” in the world of adult books, professor Boring has been nominated because of his latest perversity entitled. "The Prostitute Mechanic of 42nd Avenue."
Boring, a graduate of Gallery Magazine's School of the Lewd and Lascivious, has been employed by both the university and Hustler magazine for the past 25 years Boring has also contributed to such literary works of art as Blue Boy, Club, and Florida Knight File, and
in 1969 tried to start his own perverse publication entitled, "Reading Between the Legs.”
According to elder sources. Boring has been writing porno matter for over 65 years and has make the 'Worst Sellers' list on two separate occasions. Both of these, and four other Boring novels are available at the Library or in any sleeze shop in Dade.
"I got so excited when 1 heard of the nomination," Boring said, “that I almost came. Came up to the Hurricane office, I mean, to tell all of my admirers."
As a teacher. Boring has an excellent reputation. According to some of his students in his English 069 course, "he has a way of stimulating everybody in class."
“He gets everybody so excited that each period ends with his students giving him a hand," said Marion Grabyourowski. "Personally, I love him," Grabyourowski continued. "he’s taught me more about the birds and the bees than Orin-thology 101."
Boring's famous book, “The Prostitute of 42nd Avenue.” was written by Boring over 20 years ago, in what some people would call Boring’s prime. It has basically no theme, and the plot revolves around a writer and his perverted family. The lead character, the writer, is an extremely self-conscious sexist and tries to keep it hidden from those that surround him.
His efforts, however, become fruitless when a young beginner in
the journalism field exposes his sexual insanity. The writer then tries to kill the young journalists career hut instead, ends up killing his own. The young journalist becomes editor of the New York Times, and the writer becomes old and gray ... sterile and gay, but keeps on trying ___tongue in cheek
The award, if won by Boring, will be presented April 31st in the Communications Building parking lot at 3 a m. The time and place were requested by Boring in an effort to try and get people out of bed in order to meet him.
Any students interested in joining Boring next semester in either his junior orgy class, or his senior student workshop should contact Boring in the English Department
new security system
Also removed with the males are any traces of decadence - cigarettes, drugs, liquor, and cars
"Young ladies don't need these artificial status symbols. They can manage very well without them."the Counselor to Women stated.
Pearson residents must carry their residence hall ID with them at all times. Females are permitted to date, but have a 10 p.m curfew, 11 on weekends.
Before leaving the dorm for a date, females must tell theirhous-emother where they're going and with whom.
"Residents are also asked if their date is Jewish and what the boy's father does — just in case curious parents should call,” the Pearson housemother said.
Some Pearson residents seemed pleased with the new set-up.
"It's so much better this way. f can study whenever I please without all the noise all those boys make Plus, I can run around the halls in my underwear if I want." one resident said
Other residents seemed less happy
"I don't usually go out until 10 at. night. And I can't sleep unless I get high. And my new Trans Am — what's going to happen to that?" a troubled female wondered
She was assured that the Director of Housing and his staff would take care of her car and all the other girls’ new sports cars
UM males were especially disturbed
"Where the hell am I going to get a 'piece' if I can't go to Pearson and wait in the hall for one to walk by?’’, asked one disgruntled male
Another male was complaining that the only view he had from his lent was the back side of a port-o-let.
"I think it’s a wonderful idea." the UM President said.If this works out well, we plan to have segregated classrooms as well, maybe even segregated campuses "
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