Miami Hurricane, April 01, 1932

              The Miami Ü Hooey cane
WEAK L Y STUPE PUBLICATION OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI
VOL. 1
Coral Gables. Miami, Florida. April 1, 1932
No. 1
BLAST WRECKS CENSOR
PAN-GEORGIANS WILL CONFER
King Mcl I Seems Willing To Accept Crown of Georgia
“Regret» Having But One Life To Lo*e For Country,” Monarch Says
WANTS NON-SLIP SPURS
A

The present problem with which I am confronted as Supreme Monarch of the Pan Americas and High Commander of the Royal Forces on Land and Sea, is one of worldwide moment. We, (by “we” I mean me and Herb Hoover) have just about concluded that the colonization of Georgia and its annexation to my kingdom would be a great benefit to the native inhabitants as well as a considerable economic asset to the present kingdom.
As usual I am only the servant of my subjects in this matter and I want to do just what they want to do, that is providing they want to do what I want to do.
The last time I was in Washington I mentioned this to Herb and he said he thought it might be a good idea providing that it will not be too expensive to send an expedition into the heart of the new country. He mentioned among other things his supreme confidence in my executive ability. “Your Majesty," he says to me, “I know you’ll be able to handle this little matter of sending an army into Georgia with your usual brilliant executive ability. I have the utmost confidence in you."
“Herb,” I says to him, “That’s the way I feel about it, too.” Another little matter that demanded my attention in Washington was my need for a pair of spurs. These spurs have been a feature that has been lacking in the kingdom for a long time and it is high time that something was done about it. When my feet keep slipping off the desk my mind doesn’t have a chance to function at its usual top speed and efficiency and that’s bad.
Exclusive Hooeycane photo of the debris left in the wake of the recent censor explosion which destroy ?d an entire wing of the university. The university has been helplessli flopping around in a circle ever since. The moaning noise in the foreground is a snake searching for its master, the we'l known Swami. who was later found enthusiastically chinning himself on a blue pencil in the demolished build.ng. The blue pencil was turned over to the censor board
for investigation.
BRETT IS MURDERED BY INFURIATED GYM CLASSES IN REVOLT
CALENDAR
Student Horde, Led By Abras And Fiends, Train Trench Mortar On Building
NED FAWN MAD .
AT UNIVERSITY
Walter Bergh, an adagio team from Broadway, who has been touring the south in a series of interpretive dancing recitals under the stage name of Ned Fawn w»s recently shocked by the pro-Pum rendered at a University of Miami assembly and blushed deep violet.
Bergh, who was scheduled to do “The Dance of The Pansies” for university audience, abandoned “e whole plan and, wrapping him-in a rose-tinted shawl, retired “ehind a bouquet of daisies and cried.
Led by an intrepid undergraduate, James Abras, a group of infuriated gym students, clad in tennis shoes, underwear, and heavy gray ulsters marched on the University of Miami gym late last evening and destroyed the building as well as Ernie (pin-em-down) Brett, lately of joisey city.
Among the students were Steve Kite-Powell and James Brooks Koger, who wielded a pair of hyphens with deadly effect, and Findley Beaton who, with Herbert Hodgkinson, dragged a small trench mortar into the patio and trained it on the gymnasium. After having completed the destruction of the building the students plowed up the six tennis courts on the campus and filled the University swimming pool with dead philosophy and education texts.
When questioned by police as to why they had done this they replied that Brett had received his just desserts and no more.
“Why, man,” said Abras, “He made us dress like this, pointing to the athletic chemise he was wearing, “ho matter whether it was raining or snowing and then we would have to play basketball out in the patio while all the classes gave us a razzberry ”
“But,” remonstrated the police officer, “Couldn’t you have reasoned with him instead of making this mess?” The officer pointed to the once spotless swimming pool where the philosophy and education texts were frothing and bubbling in a mass of bluish-green scum. “No.” answered Abras sadly. Alright then, you write an ending for it.
Fri., April 1—Hooey-Cane appears and is avidly devoured by students.
Sat., April 2—Authorities institute search for Herman Seuss, reported perpetrator of the Hooey-Cane.
Sun., April 3—All filling stations, drug stores, movies and classes in “sketching from life" are closed, so search for Seuss is temporarily abandoned.
Mon., April 4—Search begins again with renewed vigor. Seuss is reported hiding in northern Canada.
Tues., April 5—Leader of Opposition to Hooey-Cane bursts blood vessel thinking about what he would like to do to Seuss.
Wed., April 6—Assistance of Army and Navy enlisted to help find
Seuss. *
Thurs., April 7—Assistance of Mel Thompson enlisted. Aircraft car rier Langley arrives in Miami to aid searchers. Seuss reported found hiding on Chicken Key. Flight of five Curtiss “Condors” dispatched to Chicken Key with explosive and incendiary bombs.
Fri., April 13—Chicken Key obliterated by bombing. Dead mullet reported floating on surface nearby. Seuss found hiding under desk in Hurricane office. Hanged without trial. Thus endeth the eighth day.
SYMPHONY PROVES ITSELF NO SLOUCH ON “HOT TIGER RAG”
Critic Intimate« Lombardo Boy« Will Soon Pound Pavement With Rady
There are ten million Mexicans in Miami named Clifton Treasure
By Isador McNasty
Coming through to a snappy schertzo in the last quarter the Symphony proved its mettle last Sunday afternoon and effectually silenced certain ill-mannered liter ati who, in the columns of the now defunct Hurricane, had intimated that the New York Philharmonic boys had a stronger team.
This writer attributes the snappy Hurricane victory to the recent change of policy inaugurated by Maynard Steumpkopf, guest con ductor, who sang tenor chorouses.
Herr Steumpkopf included in his program several compositions of a modern motif, among them “Jenny Lee” and “Tiger Rag’ This last number was executed with remarkable fluency, especially in the brass wind^ection, where the tubas got in some snappy work.
There was a slight intermission following the rendition of “Penthouse Serenade” while Herr Steumpkopf conferred with the bass-viol. The bass-viol did not participate in the remainder of the program.
| 4 ‘
Off to a slow start. Coach
SteumpkopFs boys seemed listless throughout the entire first half, refusing to increase their tempo above waltz time. However the audience, “a large and appreciative one,” egged the orange and green-dad musikers on with loud huxzah’s and cries of “get hot
(Continued on Page Fota)
Entire Section Of iuilding Destroyed In Horrible Blast
Appearance of Editorials In Hurricane Is Stoutly Denied By Board
ALL THOMPSON’S FAULT
The Student Censors, a new organization obtained for the guidance of the now defunct “Hurricane” through the intervention of Meldrim Thompson, Jr., Heir Apparent To The Throne Of Pan America And Commander-In-Chief Of His Majestie’s Forces By Land And Sea, ceased functioning rather abruptly this morning with the explosion of one of its members.
Thompson, who felt that the censorship was necessary due to the alarming immorality that had been appearing in the columns of the Hurricane, was at a loss this morning when approached by reporters. Thompson was, in fact, a total loss.
Complaints had been coming in for some time regarding the absence of editorials in the “Hurricane”. The board of censors, however, stoutly maintained that no editorials had ever appeared in the Hurricane.
A discussion which took on'the aspect of a classroom discussion
(Continued on Page Four)
“Legs” Moot Surrenders With No Dainty Gesture
After a long hunt of three or four moments an intensive search for Jimmy (Legs) Mool ended when he surrendered to officer Dansky of the W. C. T. U. He was surrounded by cohorts, a friend of his.
MooL a personage of vile underworld reputation, and well-known to the P. T. A., was accused of smoking by W. Bergh, have a hoc a brown sing a feather-white. Fing a sen for a bet with Twelfth Street fire-brown. After this Mewl vanished, and the desperate man-hunt was on.
The gangster was first traced when he commandeured a tricycle and raced at a simply dreadful rate up the road. He was found behind a nearby haystack and refused to give himself up.
“Never be afeared,” he cried, ‘for shure ye’ll never see the loik of me agin.”
A cascade of cream puffs routed him from his retreat and Mewl finally left for Georgia, a suburb of Deerfield, where he was finally cornered in a hotel room inhabited by two chorus girls named Nisk-baumer. By this time he was sorely tired and surrendered without a quiver.