Miami Hurricane, April 01, 1994

              A Special Wrap-Around April Fool's Day Issue of The Miami Hurricane
Wayne’s World! Wayne’s Worldf^
South Florida tycoon adds to empire ^ LiUhAHt
By Auri Zona
Special Investigator In a surprise announcement today, sports mogul H. Wayne Huizenga announced that he has finalized a deal to procure the University of Miami.
For the humble sum of $10 million, the Hurricanes join a blockbuster stable already occupied by the Dolphins, Panthers and Marlins.
When asked about the future of the University, Huizenga chortled, “Sports, baby, nothing but sports. Academics be damned, were gonna play football in Miami all year ‘round.’’
Apparently, the new owner of the University has decided to continue a policy kept secret at Miami for years.
''The cats out of the bag now. Forget about those book toting nerds, musicians and artists taking up space at UM.
"Sports, baby, nothing but sports. Academics be damned, we’re gonna play football in Miami all year ‘round.”
H WAYNE HUIZENGA Owner of University
From now on, the rules are the same as Charles Darwin discovered them to be."
"I want to create an organization that OPENLY places athletes in their preordained position of superiority. Who needs education anyway?,” he proclaimed to a group of slack-jawed jour-
nalists.
Also released earlier today was the Huizenga plan for the future of the University of Miami: a ten part proposal to turn the campus into a sports theme park.
The plan includes leveling the Otto J. Richter Library to make room for the “Uncle Wayne Rollercoaster to Death,” a 14 story steel and wood labyrinth made in the likeness of the owner.
In the future, park goers will be able to take a ride on the largest rollercoaster ever made in the shape of a greedy billionaire.
Outgoing president, Foote, responded that he is very anxious to tour the complex upon its completion and is very exited about being named to the newly created position, Minister of Gambling.
Huizenga, in an attempt to blend old UM lore with his plans for its future, has decided to retain some of the more cooperative staff to make for a smoother transition.
“If I can only obtain Jimmy Johnson to coach the Hurricanes again, everything will come full circle,” Huizenga hypothesized.
Student Government President Adam August, like Foote, has had his duties re-examined.
“We figured Adam should work with what he knows," Huizenga said.
August has been appointed in charge of Craps.
“I am flattered to receive this honor,” August said. “But I hope a couple of Vegas show girls are included in the deal.
File Photo
■ A BIT TOO GREEDY: Billionaire Wayne Huizenga has purchased UM and re-appointed the official duties of Edward T. Foote II and Adam J. August.
Foote comes out of closet: ‘1 gamble”
By CHUCK U. FARLEY
Hilarious staff writer
He broke down in tears at a press conference he called at the Hecht Athletic Center Thursday afternoon. University of Miami President Edward T. Foote II came to terms with his two-and-one-half year struggle with his addiction to gambling.
It all began quite modestly, when the Hurricanes became a member of the Big F)ast Conference in 1991. Big East Commissioner Michael Tranghese made a gentleman’s wager with Foote that the Hurricanes would capture the national football championship, something Foote believed foolhardy to assume.
If Foote won, Tranghese, a bachelor, would have to spend one week in Tahiti with Foote’s wife Bosie. If Tranghese prevailed, however, Foote would spend a week tending sheep at Tranghese's home in Vermont, who has Boh Newhart as his nearest neighbor.
“1 was hoping there would he someone new	to say	hi	to,”
Newhart said. "If Tad did a good enough job, I would have invited him to make a guest appearance on my latest show.”
Since	1991	yielded	a	split
national championship, each one refused to recognize the official winner and called the bet off.
But Foote’s bets only became steeper.
Foote began roaming the University Center — playing pool, bowling and arcade games — looking	for a	buck. He	once
snookered famed Pond Scum cartoonist	and Hurricane	sports
writer Jason Molinet for $100 in an afternoon playing the NBA JAMS video game.
“He had Danny Ainge and he never missed from three-point range," a disturbed Molinet said. “One word of advice to everybody — don’t use the Miami Heat if you have money on the game.”
File Photo
■ GOOD WITH HIS STICK: Fromer UM President Tad Foote resorted to gambling after losing bets with prominent leaders.
“I’m not a man to turn down a good proposition,” Rose was heard as saying at the time.
Clinton won and the University walkways are greener as a result.
Thursday, under the watchful eye of his sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Foote explained his gambling impulse and explained how watching the men’s basketball team has allowed him to come to terms with his problem.
"I’ve had a tough time keeping away from the telephone and my bookie,” Foote said. "Watching our basketball team go 0-18 in the Big East this year though helped ease my pain.”
He almost went into relapse just prior to the Big East Tournament. Danny Sheridan’s odds for conference tournaments was published in an edition of USA Today with the Hurricanes listed as one million to one shots to win the conference tournament.
■ TRUTH CAN HURT: UM
President Edward T. Foote II admitted to betting
Soon he earned the moniker “Two-timin’ Tad.”
His most costly wager came in 1992 immediately following Hurricane Andrew. Sitting at a local bar with baseball’s all-time hit king Pete Rose, the two became embroiled in a heated discussion. Rose, recently released from a halfway house where he served out a term for illegal gambling, said Hill Clinton was a shoe-in to become the next President of the United States. Foote babbled incoherently about the benefits of Ross Perot as President.
The two struck a deal.
Foote was so confident of Perot’s ascension to the White House that he said Rose’s lawn service could supply the University with all its lawn care needs and shrubbery in the event of a Clinton victory. Foote could be a weekly guest on Rose’s call-in show with the Perot landslide he envisioned.
Beer Here! Cafeterias serve alcohol to students
By C. MOREBUTTS
Contributing Putz
In an attempt to ensure the food service contract at the University, Mariott has started a trial period of serving beer and cocktails at its cafeterias and cash establishments on the University of Miami campus.
There will be a special line at both the Eye and the Ibis. Students will have to show identification before being served. In the cafeterias, students will receive a special card with a picture ID, because it will be too much work to ID everyone everyday.
Marriott officials told The Waste that it is important to please the students because ultimately they could get together and voice their opinion affecting the way the University picks its new food vendor.
“I think it’s wonderful,” said Random student Joe Pud. "1 get up for breakfast at 7 a.m. and usually have a margarita with my freshly made omlet. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen anywhere.”
"We want to keep the drinking of students under control,” explained a Marriott official. “We figure by implementing this program we can serve the alchohol on campus so students do not have to drive into the Grove.
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“The only problem we see that may arise is students going to class drunk, or worse yet, maybe never leaving the cafeteria at all. Of course, security golf cart operators will not be allowed to partake in the drinking program after sunset...we don’t want inebriated students joyriding into the lake.”
Food service administrators predict that the garbage can ratio will increase exponentially upon implementing the new alcoholic beverage program.
Said one cafteria worker, “Some people just can’t hold their liquor...or our food. Now, student nausea could indicate anything from yogurt to Jägermeister.”
Change machines will also soon be installed in every campus food area to ensure that students are afforded the opportunity to play quarters.
After completing an undercover investigation, The Waste staff believes there are ulterior motives to this whole liquor idea. After staking out the Hurricane Cafeteria this reporter was shocked to overhear two Marriott employees speaking about how if students are drunk all the time, they may begin to think that Marriott food is good.
The employees also mentioned
serreptitiously implementing subliminal messages, to be played in the cafeterias, imploring students to call Alan Fish and say if Marriott is not here next year, they will drop out of the University.
“The Master Plan calls for a
freat many changes,” Fish told he Waste. "Whoever has the food service contract will be whoever ives us the best deal, and me the iggest kickback.
"Within the plan you can see that alcohol will probably be available in
the Cafs, the new sub/pizza shop (with delivery), the Tropical Storm Cafe and eventually in the soda machines which you can use your ’Cane Express account on,” Fish explained. “Of course, the soda machines will be equipped with hand print identifiers, much like Spaceballs, to determine if vou are of age.”
“If you think this is great, wait until you see next year’s table dancing strippers,” said an anonymous food server.
Doughnuts here!!!
Velvet Creme doughnuts relocates to Public Safety
By BAGEL BITES
Herald Staff Writer
Velvet Creme doughnut owner and captain of UM’s Public Safety department announced today that Velvet Creme plans to open a special branch of the store at the Public Safety department.
"The University was looking to save money,” Bavarian Cream, Captain of Public Safety, said. “This way we will save on the gas bills because we won’t have to drive to the U.S. 1 location. Also, we will cut down on the $5,000 per week we were spending at the store.”
Public Safety plans to hire new dispatchers to deal with the calls the department anticipates receiving once the doughnut store opens. Currently, callers are expected to wait 30 to 40 minutes when calling with an emergency. Under the new system, calls, particularly those for doughnut delivery, should be answered immediately.
“Obviously, calls for jelly-filled and chocolate-covered doughnuts will take priority over other, less vital reports ... like rape, stolen computers and other felonies,” Cream said.
Current police cars will be used
for delivery cars. The golf carts will be used to deliver the doughnuts on-campus. In case of rain, student may expect massive delays.
Back offices of the department will be renovated into a kitchen, where the doughnuts will be made. Public Safety personnel are trying to recruit Dunkin' Doughnuts famous spokesperson, the "Time To Make The Doughnuts Man”, to boost the reputation.
"1 feel so much safer now that 1 only have to call for my doughnuts," Jane Student said. “1 was always so worried when 1 had to have those strange goii cart drivers take me across the street to Velvet Creme.”
Profits from the new Velvet Creme location will go to step-up the relaxation technique classes the officers currently take. Officers are learning to reach the hypnosis level soon. Officers can be seen practicing this technique all over campus, relaxing near the bridge over Lake Osceola or on the phones.
Officers are planning to increase class time, as they will now have to work, to staff new doughnuts.

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