Miami Hurricane, April 01, 1986

              Skip ’em
Don't be too upset if this teaser doesn’t lead anywhere — it’s not supposed to.
Why doesn’t anyone like these — page 50
Guns don’t make love, people do
Why has our society forsaken caring for aggressive machismo? Read what can be done to make the world care? Plus, read how Iggy the Ibis won his “dirty little war.’’	Opinionated — page 6
What a Dick!
Know-it-all Jeanne Dick (first cousin of Graduate Student Association Secretary Jane White-head)) predicts the futures of some infamous staff members of The Miami Breeze.
Who cares? — page 60,439
The Miami
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Volume 63, Number 42
Harvard of the South
April Fools Day, 1986
President dedicates life to USBG
and third with one vote for each candidate.
According to sources we cannot name because there are none. Pornstar’s attempted coup d'etat set off a series of events which brought the University to the brink of civil war — as most students were away for Spring Break.
The sources said that Iggy the Ibis, upon being told of Pornstar’s
plan, rounded a small army of ducks and squirrels to begin waging guerrilla warfare. Not to be outdone, the sources said, Pornstar called in the forces from the Reserved Army Training Corps.
"Once the two sides geared for violence, you knew it had all hit the fan,” said the source.
“The ducks and squirrels rushed the University Center and took
Amoral fecundity
By LOOSE SPLEENSTEIN
I'm at Rutgers now
The Student Activity Fee Allocation Committee will accept no requests this month — members went on a retreat to Hawaii.
“Since we're getting rid of tuition remission for WVUM, the Ibis and The Miami Breeze, we had a little money left over," said SAFAC Advisor David Brown, who organized the retreat. “I really needed the break."
Izhar Haq, SAFAC chairperson, said that the retreat provided a long-needed rest from campaigning for student government positions.
The committee racked up $5,-359.79 in bar tabs alone, largely due to the extreme amounts of alcohol consumption of Maureen McLaughlin, broccoli eater and the
real SAFAC chairperson.
"It's not fair she gets to have so much fun on SAFAC." said Associate Chairperson of Carni Gras Laurie Mervis. "I got her that SAFAC seat, after all."
Meanwhile, incumbent Undergraduate Student Body Government President Scott Komspan, who is still trying to figure out how to take over the committee, said the retreat is a disgrace to the second floor of the University Center.
"What a waste of students’ money," he said. “I could have paid my Iron Arrow dues."
Other student leaders agreed
that the retreat was a waste of money.
“We could keep the Graduate School afloat," said Jane White-head, secretary of the Graduate Student Association.
“I could have funded my entire campaign with that money,” said Jose Garcia, newly-elected USBG president.
“We could have provided limousine service for all 17 of our members to our picnic," said United Black Students President Faith Taylor.
“I need more office space and new carpeting in my office," said Breeze Editor-in-Chief Lisa Gibbs.
"The Lecture Series wanted to fly down renowned oceanographer and insect expert Edgar Dweeb for this year's most successful lecture yet," said Keith Fishe, a member of the Lecture Series Committee and Haj-a-like. “But we already spent our money on the Nuclear War/Nuclear Peace lectures."
Director of Physical Plant Clarence Leffler said the money should have been used to repair the broken brick plates on the lakeside walkway.
"Nobody understands," wailed Haq. "We fall in love. We fall out of love. We get hurt. We're the same but different," he said.
SAFAC member and Breeze Business Manager John Coppolino had nothing much to say. "I'm just in it for the free pizza "
Series chairperson denies all charges
Gaseous expostulation
New head excited about appointment to School of Com
By BELINDA CHAMBERS
Woman, writer and legend
"I dump in my sleep," Seth Eugene Xavierman III said.
Having recently been chosen as the University of Miami’s new dean of the School of Communication, Xavierman found it hard not to express his excitement with the new position.
"I'll be honest with you." Xavierman said. "Of all the positions I've been in. I know this will be the most satisfying."
Number 69 in the dean selection process, Xavierman never thought he would be on top
"It's great being on top," he added. "I was down so long and couldn't get up, but now I'm on top. You want to talk about gratification, this is really the tip of the spectrum."
Incessant whine
As head of the recently-formed school, Xavierman thought of new ways to improve upon the school's curriculum
"Now that I’ve been given head Ipositionj, I find it hard to contain myself," Xavierman said. ''I'm just bursting with new ideas. My cup runneth over. You know what I mean?”
After a tiring afternoon of deliberations Friday, the selection committee exited the Merrick Building with their verdict.
When asked to comment on the afternoon. Dr. Liza Goldenberg. director of Speech Communiction said, "It was a long and hard one. and we really pushed it to the limit. There was a lot to cover, I'm surprised we got it all in "
Making the decision was tough all over, agreed the committee.
“We were in a really big hole — between a rock and a hard place — trapped in a bed of confusion." said Associate Director of Speech Communication, Professor Rionel Litchie.
The unchosen candidates were loaded onto a bus and taken on a consolation cruise on the SS Emerald Seas.
Expressing the views of everyone. Butch Dykeman said. "We feel like seamen. This is ridiculous I wish Xavierman was here I'd like to get him all wet.”
“We fall in love. We fail out of love. We get hurt. We’re the same, but different,” added Sally O'Neill, an unchosen hopeful from San Francisco.
"I'm a flexible guy." Xavierman said. “I can go all ways. I'm willing to bend over backwards for anyone who wants to push the rules a little bit. As a matter of fact, I was with my dog, Morris, the other day ... "
April Fools!
This issue is a joke, if you can't tell, and nothing in this issue is real. To those who have been ridiculed. It’s all done in fun, and direct all libel suits to our Senior Advisor, Dr. Bruce Garrison.
The ads are real, not that anyone reads them anyway.
This week's events are listed on page 12 undet; Announce ments in the classified advertisements.
April Fools!!
By SCOOP FINS
Of the Fins Fan Club
Stop the presses.
In a totally unprecedented move, Scott Pornstar, Useless Student Body Government president, locked himself in his office and declared himself USBG president for life.
A despondent Pornstar was quoted as saying, "No way I’ll give up a fifth year in school by
giving power to a duck with a big bill.”
Baby Doc Pornstar, who was supposed to step down on April 16, made his declaration after receiving the news that Iggy the Ibis won the USBG presidency with the record number of two votes.
Jose Gracias and Xavier Corta-do, the two other presidential candidates came in a close second
By DEEP SHAFT
Ready for prime time, damnit
Charges that Sandra Richards, chairperson of the University of Miami University Lecture Series, is grossly inept are unproven.
The Miami Breeze has found, though, that the current opinion on campus is that Richards is, as newspaper goddess Lisa Silver-berg said, "not a chick whose sex life I'd like to advise.”
In short, the Breeze might not be able to prove it, but let’s not fool ourselves, kids.
In order to be- fair to Richards (that’s Breeze-style, after all), this paper had a long, indepth interview with her Sunday evening
She said the lecture series committee was working very hard. "We fall in love. We fall out of love. We get hurt. We're the same but different.
"I know that we haven't brought the most exciting people to UM," Richards said, “but Margaret Avery was a really big success and I've got a few more tricks up my sleeve."
Like what?
"Well, we’ve scheduled my Aunt Sophie to come on April 20 and give a speech about crocheting." Richards said. “The night before she'll be displaying some of her pillowcases in the Ibis [Cafete-
ria) — maybe we could get a preview in the paper?” •
Sorry, think I gotta clean my toenails that night.
“Also, we wanted to get Edgar Dweeb, this oceanographer and insect expert, but SAFAC blew the money we would have used to bring him on a retreat," she said.
Richards said she was unsure how much a good University Lecture Series meant to UM students at this time of the year.
“I mean, with exams coming up and all," she said, “I kind of thought my job was done."
Sure, babe.
To find out exactly what the average UM student thought about Richards and her lecture series, the Breeze contacted Dr. Mary Sapp, director of UM's Planning and Institutional Research, at home, Sunday afternoon.
"We don't have any figures about the lecture series," Sapp said. “We're doing a study at the moment about just that subject. Give me six months and I may have a story for you by then.”
She wouldn't predict what the results would be.
“I don’t know how many people like the lecture series," Sapp said. “That's why we’re doing the study. I don't make predictions, especially to people who call me at home. If that's what you want, read Jeanne Dick.”
Attack of the Hairy Canes
Unsuspecting University of Miami freshman. Biff Skipper, was pictured just as a gang of Hairy Canes attacked his head, sucking his brains out. Bystanders reported Skipper's last words were: "I fall in love. I fall out of love. I get hurt. I’m the same but diff...”
positions near the USBG offices and we had a tense stand-off. All I could think was the students would return to campus to find it war torn with duck feathers everywhere,” he said.
At this point, Alexander Touch-me, who was monitoring the situation closely from the USBG vice-president's office, said that as war seemed imminent a call came from UM President Edward T. Foote which set negotiations rolling.
"Foote was the key,” said Touch-me. "He could communicate with both sides. The ducks and squirrels trusted him. He spoke their language."
Sources close to the president said Foote was able to get a truce by offering a compromise According to the Ashe Treaty, Pornstar promised to graduate and leave UM If Gracias would assume the presidency. In return. Foote granted autonomous rule to the areas where animals form the majority — mainly bushes, trees, and Lake Osceola with adjacent waterways.
“Dis is sumting we been wanting fo a wong time,"said Iggy
Though Foote was credited with calming down the two sides, others say there were other reasons tor the compromise
We»y Cronui««, a Cirmrtun atrtp.
also watched the situation closely.
“Of course we were concerned. What kind of a stupid question is that?" she said.
Cronandez said that though they had better training and greater firepower, RATC troops could not successfully putdown the animal rebellion.
"Well, the RAJC soldiers had difficulty distinguishing the civilian ducks from the guerrilla ones. One soldier told me the ducks all looked the same to him," Cronandez said
For his part, Gracias took a wait and see attitude.
"You don't want to see a 'Baby Doc takeover,' " he said, “but I preferred that to the animals who,
I think, got their arms from Libya and Khadafy. They would have made this a zoo.”
Cortado, who kept a neutral stand throughout the ordeal, said that the ducks and squirrels suffered from internal divisions which threatened to collapse the united front.
“The animal freedom fighters, let's call them what they arc,” said Cortado, “were divided between democratic ideology and more radical elements."
Asked if he meant the “radical elements " were communist subversives, Cotado said, “that's exactly what I meant. Do I have to spell everything out? I'm a source and sources need not spell everything out. Read me?"
Some USBG personnel felt an urge to actually get involved in the hostilities.
One of these was John Days "No one is against peaceful transitions of power," Days said,"but there is no peace when you're dealing with radical elements.”
Asked it he meant that "radical •laments" were the communists in the iggy this organization. Days
said,"Yes, do I have to spell out everything for you?"
Days said he would continue the battle to defeat Ibis’ because “UM must be made safe for democracy.”
For his part. President Foote was philosophical. He said,"We fall in love. We fall out of love. We get hurt. We're the same, but we’re different."
Leeway Gotz, Iggy's running mate in the election also won the office of vice president with two votes.
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Hellducks of the Navy
A platoon of ducks patrols the University Center during hostilities weeks ago. The duck leading this patrol is Pato El Comandante, a reputed right-winged, and left-winged, terrorist with ties to the Ouackdafy regime in Libya
Bon voyage
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