Miami Hurricane, March 31, 1987

              April Foolsl
This issue is a joke. To all of you who have been made fun of or used as the butt of a joke, just remember that it’s all done in fun. The advertisements, however,
are entirely real, so please read them. This week’s events are listed under Announcements on page 14. April Fools!

fry.
The Miami Breeze
Volume 64, Number 41________University of Miami 	Day Before April Fools Day
Classes cancelled, University burns
By SPARKIE
lirrczc staff pyromaniac
It finally happened. Despite repeated warnings, the University of Miami has burned down. All classes are cancelled.
Students celebrated with a campus-wide barbeque at the Rathskeller sponsored by the Useless Student Body Government.
"The students are finally appreciating all that USBG does for them," said Screamer of the Senate Smelly Fernandez."This barbeque is by far our most successful program. We even have cheese sticks."
K. Renee Bird, resident discoordinator of Eaton, said, “The situation is under control " Other resident
discoordinators were unavailable for comment.
The Department of Not-so Safety still has no clue as to who started the blaze that destroyed the University, although someone noted a person running from the scene with a small note pad (we're checking on it... really!).
Extremely cute firefighters on the scene said they were "really sorry the University burned.”
"Now, we won’t get to come to the Universty and flirt with the pretty girls," said firefighter Syde Burns. “It’s really a shame. Why couldn’t something else have burned up?"
"We don't want to publicize it as arson because it might give other students ideas,” Bird said.
Bribed secretaries in the Ashes Badministration
Building said the fire started when UM administrators were burning the students' tuition money and the bonfire got out of control.
“All we wanted to do was watch the fire and see all the pretty colors," said UM President Tad Foot-in-mouth. “Now everybody is all mad and upset at me because they don’t have a University. It’s not all my fault. Is there a fear of democracy?” wondered the president.
“I am deeply hurt that all our hard work has gone up in flames," said Foot-in-mouth. "My foot was also deeply hurt when I tried to jump from the Ashes Badministration Building into the Rising Tuition Fountain.”
Provost Looy "Bozo" Glased was asked about the
fire, but he so totally evaded the subject that the confused reporter threw himself into the flames.
Foot-in-mouth has offered his home as temporary living quarters and classrooms for students.
"I’m sure there will be enough room — my house is very large, you know," Foot-in-mouth said. “Besides, Bosie and I could use extra servants around the house.”
Plans to rebuild the University' are in the making, according to John Gooslin, construction manager for nuclear plant.
"Right now, we have thought about rebuilding the University but not a whole lot," Gooslin said "I personally am thinking more about the administrators' picnic."
UM to promote spread of AIDS
By KAHN DUMMS
A Careful Guy
In an effort to spread AIDS on campus, the Death Center will be handing out free, damaged condoms to students.
"We don’t have enough money to buy condoms that are in perfect condition,” said Euseem Flippy', director of the center. "Boy, did we ever get a bargain on these."
Flippy said the condoms come in all different types, flavors and sizes. "Is there a fear of democracy? I don’t think so. We’ve got them to fit everybody's tastes ... among other things."
"Strawberry is my favorite,” Flippy said. "Come on down to the Death Center. You can’t beat it, they’re free.”
William Rutter, ndvtaor of student sexual affairs, said his office is swamped with requests for these condoms.
“There isn't less sex on campus," he said. “Just more disease. And more concern, of course. By using the condoms, the students can fool themselves into thinking they’re protected."
The center’s catchphrase of the year, “Get laid, get AIDS, no glove, no love," is meant to educate students about possible complications from their sex lives.
A 15-minute explicit video of sexual acts with the damaged condoms will be shown in private.
‘There isn’t less sex on campus. Just more disease. And more concern, of course. By using the condoms, students can fool themselves into thinking they’re protected.’
William Butter, advisor for
student sexual affairs
exclusive suites within the Death Center.
Useless Student Body Government president Bill Barfee will be the featured star of the video, which is titled Yes! Yes! Yes!
Barfee said, "I like sex. It's worth the risk. I can personally assure you that most of the condoms they are passing out are safe."
Death Center staff will be on hand to demonstrate possible sex acts that could contribute to catching AIDS.
"In the past, sexually active students just had to worry about getting rid of their roommates," said George Shaftnerd, director of
1 love rock & roSE’
UM prez quits to form band
Tad Foot-in-mouth practicing
University- paid-for home.
roach halls. "This will be a new challenge for students."
A committee of University administrators is now being formed to test the condoms before they are distributed to students.
“If we can’t afford new condoms, it is my job to test as many as possible on University co-eds,” said UM President Tad F'oot-in-mouth. “It is my duty as an
LEN SCAP/Brecze Staff
in his spacious.
administrator.”
The condoms will be distributed during registration and orientation.
"Condoms will be formally tested first on naive, young freshmen once we’ve got their money,” said David Leccherman of the department of dirty sexual disgusting debasing business.
By ILENE TWARDOEDERMEN
Future Groupie
University of Miami President Tad Foot-in-mouth announced today he will quit his job to form a band with other members of the administration.
"It’s a lot to give up — the house and everything," he said. "But I decided that my own desires came first, for once."
Tom Bleeder of Career Deadending recently left UM to form a band, but Foot-in-mouth said he is not just following suit.
"Eve wanted to do this ever since I was a kid,” Foot-in-mouth said. “All my work at the University has only been to build contacts. I guess I fooled you alt."
Dean William Sandcastle said he might join the band
“Is there a fear of democracy? I like drums. I guess l like bashing things." he said.
Dean William Butter, who worries that fans will confuse him with Sandcastle. decided to shed his tacky bright green sports jacket and pierce his ear.
“It’s time to change my image ... maybe my hair color, too. Do you think I’d look good with a blue mohawk?” he said.
Provost Loo “Bozo" Glased also expressed interest in joining
the band.
"I want to be the band's manager," he said. "I'm not qualified for anything else. It’s a complicated role, however. I would be in charge of the group’s finances, bookings and, of course,
I would have to find some groupies ... "
Glased said he would like the band to perform at various University functions
Although the band has not yet decided on a name, it ¡sconsidering "Tad and the Tuition-raisers." "Fundraising Figureheads" and "Bored of Trustees."
"We want a name that conveys emotion," Foot-in-Mouth explained.
Foot-in-mouth said the band’s first project will be a fundraising campaign to pay for the administrators’ expensive habits.
“After all, now 1 won't be able to embezzle funds and throw expensive parties," Foot-in-mouth said. "It’s all in the growing up process, I guess. Mom told me about that.”
F'oot-in-mouth said the University could probably do alright without him and the other band
members.
"Let’s face it, the University can't do any worse," he said.
Breeze editor to pose nude
bbanie,
! S- PASS
*
LIEE VELOP/Breczc Stuff
By MISS MARCH
Exhibitionist at heart
“I’m not wearing anything to class," said Breeze editor in chief Marilyn Playtex.
Playtex recently announced her plans to represent the University of Miami in Playboy magazine's tribute to the “Girls of the Party Schools."
The photographs were taken in the privacy of the Breeze office by Breeze photographers Robert Do-you and Beth Miser.
Playtex, who tried to squelch publication of the Playboy ad, surprised many with her decision.
"I just changed my mind,” she said. “But now I know I can represent UM — especially with my Hispanic heritage."
While Playboy editors are glad to have a Cuban girl in the pictorial, they worry about her alleged cocaine addiction.
"I’m so full of Coke right now," Playtex said out of context. “But, hey, UM is a party school."
Breeze senior-supreme-bcing-advisor Loose Garrulous called Playtex’s exhibitionism "a good
The distribution of condoms was part of the platform of the Yes ticket.
SAFAC: Committee, tragedy, legend
news Item."
“Marilyn’s willingness to swallow ... her pride and go all the way ... for the Breeze and this University comes as no surprise to me." he said. “I have always thought it is most important that one of our editors pose in the nude."
Her decision to pose for Playboy prompted Breeze Bitching editor Pat McCrude to put together a "Women of the Breeze" pictorial.
“The competition has been stiff,” McCrude said. "|It is hard to decide which of the Breeze women to feature."
Breeze Man-eating editor Debbie Organ was considered for the pictorial, but she refused the opportunity.
Organ, who would do just about anything to get on television, being a "twinkle" and all. said she hopes to bare all on national TV.
"At this point of my cable career, I don’t need the publicity," Organ said. "Besides, my Honey-Bunny wouldn't like it.”
Associate flooze editor Mara Dominance will appear in a special section called “Bondage,”
"I want to be on top of
everything ... and everyone on campus,” Dominance said. “I figure it’ll make me a shoo-in for Flooze editor next year."
Dominance, who has already bullied former assistant bruise editor Olympia Rot off the staff, said she expects stiff competition from up-and-coming assistants Barbra Spastic and Caren Burn-master.
Spastic said she wants to pose for McCrude’s pictorial, but worries that "nobody cares about the Breeze women’s bodies."
"Isn’t this important?" Spastic said. "Why does everyone lie?"
Burnmaster said she has learned a lot during the short time she has worked as assistant bruise editor, such as inch counts and layout.
“I’m much better at approximating inches now. It saves a lot of time," she said. “I'll do this if it will help me learn or get me an ice cream cone."
Bruise editor Karen Slavedriver was McCrude’s first choice for the pictorial.
"I would really do it (hmmmm) ... but it might diminish my chances for law school," Slaved-
river said
Spurts editor Jeff Traumas said he considered a sex-change operation to get in the pictorial He said he would only go under the knife, however, if promised a spot in the "Bondage" section with Dominance.
"We were going to run for Useless Student Body Govenment together," Traumas said. "This is something we can reailv put on
our resumes."
Cop-out editor I.aura Pliable said she would be "willing tc do anything to get in the pictorial,” but refused at the last moment.
"I am very pliable," Pliable said "But I’m not pliable enough to possibly pose in a pornographical-iy-packed pictorial."
Up-chuck and soiled briefs editor Linda Zipperwoman said she is "engaged" in other affairs and is unavailable for posing
Cop-out editors Lina Loopy and Erin Smurfy also refused, saying they had a concert to go to.
McCrude said he may pay for Traumas’ sex-change operation, just to have someone besides Playtex pose. "Is there a fear of democracv?" be asked.
By M. BEZZLEMENT
by a bunch of crooks
Members of the Students Arguing for Funds for Alcohol Consumption arc enraged at the plan of Useless Student Body Government president Joe Greedy to take take over their committee.
“Now that our leg is broken, we’re all going to cut off our arms," said Head Honcho dicatator-for-life
Don Juan Diaz.	_	.
The USBG bill, authored by Greedy and USBG treasurer Maria Stand-in, proposed a referendum to be placed on the USBG election ballot that would
replace SAFAC with a lottery system.
After the lottery determined which organizations would receive funding, representatives from each group would have to beg and grovel before a screening commitee comprised of Greedy, Stand-in, incoming USBG president Bill Barfee and a too-large SAFAC member.
The best performances would earn organizations unlimitedamounts of cold hard cash in unmarked
"This University was built on democracy, Greedy said, while USBG senators hummed the National Anthem in the background. "Through the lottery we will be preserving the God-given rights that our forefathers fought for and that I have spent this whole year spouting out. Is there a fear of democracy?"	.	....	_.
In other unrelated second-floor politics and backstabbing, Miami Breeze flooze editor Karen Slavedriver was originally to serve on the screening committee, but she was replaced by nice guy Roland Sanchez Medina Munarriz Martin Rodriguez Marquez Dominguez Ricardo Montalban Cordoba.
"He had more names than I could ever get.
Slavedriver said, "lie’s obviously more qualified.”
Vicious rumor has it (we haven't bothered to verify it) that Slavedriver was taken off the committee because there just wasn’t enough room for her. The too-large SAFAC members have made it impossible to fit any new members.
Dave Yellow, SAFAC advisor, said, "If the students would have voted “Yes” on the referendum, SAFAC would have been destroyed. We could have used the funds returned to us at the end of the semester to go on another %'acation.”
United Black Students representative Troy Ball said, "I have served on this committee for two years, and the least that the students could do for me is pay for my trip. I deserve this vacation because I worked so hard to bring Jesse Jackson to UM."
"By the way," Ball said to our female flooze reporter, "you look very erotic when you ask questions...have you lost weight?"
Campus Spitup and Regurgitation representative ChrisBelligerent, who has also served on the committee for two years, vehemently disagreed with Ball.
"I wanted the money to be divided up into individual shares. I would have used my share to pay for graduate school,"he said.
USBG representative Juan More had his own ideas for the leftover funds.
"I wanted to use the entire fund to finance another campaign to run a second time for the position of City of Miami Fire Commissioner,” More said.
However, SAFAC chairperson Don Juan Diaz discreetly informed a Breeze reporter that “there is no such office. More really wants to use the money to purchase tapes of past SAFAC meetings that he was too busy to attend.” .
fMR KRITMBm» Still!
Organization is the secret to SAFAC’s success: the committee is considering placing organizations’ representatives in a room full of money and letting them
duke itjput.
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