Miami Hurricane, March 29, 1985

              UP
rUUTE BACK FROM CLUB MED ^ ~			WHO GIVES A ...?		JAPS
After tun in the sun, UM President Edward T. Foote returns a changed man. Said Foote: “It was an in- — credible, incredible miracle of higher education"			Look, I hate doing these stupid indexes — who needs them anyway? Find the articles yourself and leave me me alone!		DADDY PLEASE BUY ME A CAR
I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT — page 17			THERE’S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE — page 11		page 100
					
Volume 61 Number 45
THE	M Ml
Friday, March 29, April Fools
Miami Breeze/SIU'TTFRBUG SWtlTPEA
Blind Faith winners Curt Watkins (vice president), Webster Wong (treasurer), and David Ring (president)
Get this! Faith wins in upset
By HARVEY SHARVEY
Incredulous, and proud of it
To everyone’s shock, the Blind Faith ticket pulled off an incredible victory this week at elections for the Unbelievably Stupid and Bogus Greaseballs (USBG), unidentified sources reportedly alleged.
The landslide came in the wake of heavy campaigning by both of Blind Faith's competitors, in sharp contrast to Blind F'aith’s low-key approach
Some observers observed that it was precisely this low-key strategy that led to Blind Faith's upset victory.
"Indubitably, I do believe that undoubtedly ... What was the question?” said one specialist, Dr. H. Smartie Pants, after a period of deep and often painful reflection. Dr. Pants is a fellow (i.e., of the male gender) at the Institute for Advanced and Super-difficult Study and Analysis at the Center of Advanced and Super-difficult Study and Analysis. He also works for the infamous Miami Tribune.
Further blessing us with his insight, Dr. Who Flung Do, added, in a mercifully terse manner, ”Ze otter guyz shouldaa shutt up zey phace," subliminally implying that Blind Faith's competitors, specifi-
cally Action, led by Joe ("Action not Reaction”) Gracias, and Lightning, led by Scott ("Strike like Lightning") Pornstar, should have maintained a strategy of discretionary quiescence during the elections. Dr. Who is the token minority consultant to the infamous Miami Tribyune.
Reaction to the election results varied. Said one international student, whose name cannot be spelled and who is from who knows where, "No understan'."
One honors student remarked, “Unequivocally, this triumph, this success on the part of the Blind Faith party can only lead one to theorize that there is at this, the University of Miami, to be sure, a
milieu of incuriousness and stolidity from which there Is no hope of evasion.”
Yet, in reality, there were few students who were moved enough to express their opinions and still fewer had intelligent comments to make. We could not find anyone with intelligent ideas and who could, at the same time, express them in an articulate fashion.
That was, of course, to be expected. This is, after all, the University of Miami.
When asked for commentary, President Edward T. Foote (alias "Brainless Socialite") was heard to mumble, “An incredible, incredible miracle of higher education."
USBG-gate hits campus
By MORRIS JUDKINS HARDAWAY
Musical Genius
In a shocking series of developments that have really shocked the pants off of that dozen or so people who really give a rat’s behind. The Miami Breeze has learned that the Action and Lightning parties broke into each other's campaign headquarters and tried to steal each other's platforms.
“Funniest thing I ever saw," exclaimed campus police officer Fuzz Swinebreath in between guffaws of helpless laughter. "These ding-a-lings were running around like sloths with their heads cut off." Officer Swinebreath reported that both parties were preparing charges but doubted the case would last three seconds in a court of law.
The catalyst for these Woodward/Bernsteinean exploits occurred yea those many months ago when Fernando Rojas, a man who has been interviewed on UM cable's Newsmakers, hopped parties, jilting Lightning for Action. The event was so trivial that not even Rojas' sister was aware of the change. In an interview with this reporter, Elisa Rojas stated, "I wasn't even aware that Fernando was in politics, much less that he had jumped parties. What the heck do I care anyhow?" She also bubbled that the change was “an incredible, incredible miracle of higher education." As you can see, carrying on a conversation with Elisa Rojas can be a very disorienting experience.
But mountains out of molehills will grow. Tempers flared, and mud was slung. Both parties were thrown into chaos, and the University as a whole had a hard time caring one way or the other.
This political pustule came to a head Tuesday night as Action’s Joe Gracias and Amy Greenjeans broke into Lightning's headquarters in Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity, hoping to glom whatever platforms
they could. Ironically, they arrived scant seconds after I ightning's Scott Pornstar and his underlings left Lightning HQ, on their way to the Action brain center in Sigma Delta Tau sorority's room in the Panhellenic Building on a similar mission.
Both criminal organizations were tripped up by University of Miami police, which should give you a general idea of their incompetence as cat burglars. Action rear-ended a cop car while making its getaway, while Lightning had the stereo in Action's headquarters cranked so loud that the police were summoned to shut them up.
Action's motto was "Badger 'em till they drop.” By irritating the bejesus out of apathetic students, they hoped to garner the hundred or so votes necessary to win. Research has proven that people often vote for the party that is the most abrasive and grating, as recent student election results will prove. If that seems illogical, consider that the consumer often buys the products with the most obnoxious commercial "It's the same principle," said UM advertising student Joe Brownnoser.
Lightning's strategy was a little more complacent. The party members figured that no one at all would vote, and the incumbent Pornstar would retain his seat. "Crafty little 0g$(o)*s. aren't they," said Joe Gracias with begrudging admiration.
As a result of this Conradian horror, both parties have been disbanded by UM bigw igs. Perpetrators of the dastardly deed have been put on double secret probation for life Insiders say this may be the end of student goverment on this campus forever.
And the effect of all this? Next to nothing.
"What effect will this have on Promo Night?" was the question on everyone's minds After finding out that the hallowed event will continue, most UM students heaved a sigh of relief and walked away
Plans set for morons
By ERIN GOBRAGHLESS
This was not my idea
University of Miami President Edward T. Foote announced plans on Wednesday for the Residential College for Morons. Plans for the innovative college were outlined in the University’s five-year Half-Assed Plan.
To live in the new college, students must have a grade point average lower than 2.0 and have combined SAT scores less than 600. In addition, students must fill out an application and write an essay stating why they feel they are qualified to live in the Residential College for Morons. The essay must contain no less than five misspelled words, contain the words "man" and "you know," and be no longer than half a page. Moreover, the essay and application must be handwritten. "Morons don't own typewriters," explained George Shoffner, director of the department of residence halls. "If it comes typed, we’ll reject it automatically."
Like the already existing Honors Residential College, special activities will be planned for the morons residing in the college. Guest lecturers will speak on such apropos topics as “The Six-Year Plan, or How to Avoid Graduating." "Suntanning for Fun and Profit," and "Dropping Courses: Which Ones and How Often?" Some special talks will be planned for the JAPs residing in the college, including "Speedshopping: How to Do Saks, Lord and Taylor's, and Bloomingdales in One Day" and “Porsches vs. Mercedes: Which to Buy and Hotv Many?" All of these activities will be scheduled during regular school hours to encourage students to cut classes, which will aid them in maintaining their low GPAs.
The Mahoney-Pearson dormitory will be renovated over the summer and will be ready to house morons by fall 1985. According to Shoffner, many luxuries, such as carpeting in the halls and rooms, will be added to the dorm. "After all. most of our tuition money comes from morons,” said Foote. "We feel that the University owes them the best." Foote went on to call the Residential College for Morons "an incredible, incredible miracle of higher education."
Mahoney-Pearson was chosen to house the morons mainly because of its size. "You need a lot of room for morons," explained Shoffner. "There sure are a lot of them."
Shoffner was chosen as the master of the college by a select panel of administrators, including Foote and Vice President for Student Affairs William Butler. "I'm very honored and excited," said Shoffner. "They didn't have anything like that when I went to school."
Applications for the college can be picked up in the Residence Halls Office from 9 a.m.-4 p.m. There is no deadline for submitting the applications. "Morons never get anything in on time anyway," shrugged Shoffner. The lucky morons chosen to reside in the college will be notified by mail by Sept. 9.
Miami Brecze/AL hRLSCC
Win A Dream Date With Jerry Askew!!!
Yes. you, too, can win a dream date with that single successful guy, Dr. Jerry Askew, shown here with past years' winners. For details, see page two._______
Lieby: Pay for UM over 10 years
By LOOSE SPLEENSTEIN
The woman, the myth, the legend
The David Lieberman Show premiered last' night over UM Cable. The comic talk show, ce President of Business and Finance David Lieberman, featured guest Raymonde Bil-ger, UM director of Budgeting	and
Personnel, and musical guests the UM Singers.
"Well, tonight we're featuring Stupid Human Tricks,” , . ,	said Lieberman,
Lieberman	"and our first
contestant is Scott Pornstar the USBG incumbent president from New York. Scott is going to attempt to stop UM tuition from rising approximately 13 percent." Pornstar was unable to stump Lieberman.
“The second contestant is Joe Gracias, a Miami native and USBG presidential hopeful, who said — get this — he would like to repeal the fees that were not voted on by students," he added.“Gracias believes that students can actually have a say on what we do around here. The very idea!"
"What can students do, then, if tuition goes up and Reagan's budget proposals go through?" asked Gracias.
"Well, a college education should be the second greatest expense a student has in his life, next to buying a home. We intend to catch up to that statistic here at
UM and make tuition the number one priority in a students' life."
He added. 'There are ways a student can afford a quality education here at UM paying over a period of 10 years."
He cited prostitution, drug dealing and extortion as three possibilities for students needing money. "The University is considering the idea of indentured servitude," he added.
He later interviewed Bilger about the possibility of cutting all student activity funding to make students on * the second floor "understand the meaning of a dollar."
Bilger reacted by cutting Lieber-man’s funds
The UM Singers then performed
a bossa nova rendition of that Beatles hit Money (That's What I Want).
"I think this show is a wonderful opportunity for students and administration to get together and learn more about each other." said President Edward T. Foote of the show. "Only at UM would a novelty like this take place — an incredible incredible miracle of higher education."
"I think we can show students that we administrators don't take life as seriously as they might believe," said Lieberman after his show. “There is a funny side to UM financial affairs that students just don’t see."
If the ratings are good, the show will get an extended contract
Miami Rreeze/Ot T Oh I Oi l
Pictured here is Bobby Sucker (class of *30), after finally making his last payment to UM. Me is obviously relieved of all tensions and worries (not to mention his money.)“! took Licberman’s advice. It only took 10 years,” says Sucker
Screw Honorary admits NUDGEs
By LOOSE SPLEENSTEIN
I'm from exit S2A
Rusty Screw, an honor society previously kicked off campus due to a Supreme Court ruling charging discrimination, is back on campus tapping new members, reported the Breeze's favorite deep throat.
The society formerly would not accept members from New York, New Jersey, or Fairfield County, Conn. In 1974, University of Miami students formed NUDGE (Northeastern Undergraduates Deprived due to Geographic Eccentricities). "They didn't want us becawse of the way we tawked," stated Barry Katz, newly-tapped member.
In response to allegations that Rusty Screw discriminated in order to maintain its linguistic purity, Chief Dingbat Quintessence said, "Nothing could be
Blaze been n
further from the truth. Some of mv best friends are from Jersey City."
Drug Man Jim Webfoot added. "The vote was close, 86-84. When the members from the Class of 1930 showed up from the dead, we almost lost the vote. But we made sure to not let them talk too much, and it passed."
The super-top-secret initiation will take place this week in the Everglades right off Alligator Alley. The initiates will be stripped naked, required to recite "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain," and left there to fend for themselves Initiates must pledge allegiance then to America, apple pie, and Donny Osmond, according to former chief Ken Slices.
Commenting on the return of Rusty Screw. UM President Edward T Foote said, "It is an incredible, incredible miracle of higher education."
I)\ Iiroivn
By DEBBIE
So, I don't do Dallas
The first three months of 1985 has seen the biggest hike in the crime rate ever in the history of the University of Miami From shooting off fireworks to attempted rape. UM administrators are concerned about the increase and the solutions to the growing problem
Last night, the record-breaking crime occurred when Joe Brown, sophomore wide receiver on the Breeze football team, attempted to burn down the Asse Building. Pubic Safety reported that the student was seen loitering around the building at about 10 p m The fire alarm went off at about 11 p.m.
Brown was found in UM President Edward T Foote's office on the second floor, where the blaze was started Fire officials said that gasoline was spread over desks and the floor and ignited with a match Brown stated that he started the blaze because he was "sick ... just sick "
The coach of the Breezes, Don Johnson, said that Brown was very upset at the choice of the Breezes’ quarterback to turn pro. "He was very close to Bernie. He took his departure very hard," said Johnson
Foote termed the incident "an incredible, incredible miracle of higher education."
Pubic Safety reported that Brown was fined S10 and will leave Friday on a three-day cruise to the Bahamas to recover from his emotional shock.
In another recent terrible crime on campus, senior Ffathy Doodav was charged for second-degree murder and is being held in the Dade County jail.
While throwing a frisbee on the intramural field last Saturday afternoon, Dooday hit a low-flying bird with the frisbee. Officer Raymond Fiskell was patrolling the area and immediately rushed to the scene. After unsuccessfully trying to revive the bird through cardiopulmonary resuscitation, he declared it dead and handcuffed Dooday. taking her away to the Pubic Safety office
“I was just learning how to play," she said, crying hysterically, "It was my first time."
Dooday's trial is scheduled for Aug. 22
Disclaimer
This issue is a joke, if you can't tell. Let us tell you, we had to do it at the last minute because the screwed-up Flections Committee decided to announce the results of the Undergraduate Student Body Government elections on Friday, instead of Thursday. So instead of having the issue on Tuesday, as planned we moved it up to today so we can report USBG election results in Tuesday's issue.
The ads in this issue are real We have to sav that so Business Manager Laurie Mervis won't bitch at us. So' please patronize them Without our advertisers, there wouldn't be any of us Thank you for reading this shit, and APRIL FOOLS'