Miami Hurricane, April 01, 1939

              The Miami
THE OFFICIAL STUDENT NEWS
PAPER OF
Hurricane
THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI
Volume XII
Coral Gables, Florida, April 1, 1939
Z101 Number 24
Howie Davis Sticks Finger in Political Pie
Candidates Rally Bravely From This Telling Blow
Panic invaded the cloistered, vine-covered, steeped-in-tradition and not to mention termite-infested walls of that little lean-to known as the University this week when Howie (Harpy) Davis’s thumb was seen emerging from the political pot pie just south of the old University building near Bird Road. Davis devoutly hoped the thumb would not encounter a lemon or, if worst comes to worst, Joe Thomas’ nose. When aired, (and believe us, not a minute too soon either) the fateful news struck a knell in the hearts of Davis’ opponents.
Davis, whose super stream lined chassis is exceeded only by his raven black locks and deep purple eyes, hopes to wean feminine voters from the tried and true methods of railroading candidates into office with the slogan, quote: “Last year it was the Pie Chi minstrel. This year it’s Howie Davis.” Close on the heels of the Davis entry came the inevitable whistlings in the dark from opposing candidates. (After all, Duff doesn't pay Pressagents Boyle and Teeter 35c a week apiece for nothing).
"We are confident of victory,” bubbled Manager Boyle and Trainer Teeter, rolling their big blue eyes, “Duff is in fine shape—never better —and we expect to put up a fight to the finish.” Duff made no comment.
Fordham, whose snowy white political record is beginning to look just a little brown around the edges, looked glum. Our astute vice-president who has been taking a six lesson course in “How To Develop a Forceful Personality or Sex in the Sahara” averred he was strongly tempted to return the last five lessons and ask for a refund in the face of this new competition.
When asked for a statement, Stinky Madigan of course could not resist the opportunity. Never one to pass up a vote, he looked with longing at the two Hooeycane reporters who had come along with hopes of wresting the truth of his double life from him. Upon being assured the Hooeycaners were staunch supporters of Candidate Monroe Litton, the Monster began a short discourse concerning Madigan on the subject of Madigan. After forty-five consecutive minutes of typical Madigan meandering, Stainky finally came to the point. “Aw, wottinhell have 1 got to worry about,” he modestly declared. "I won’t poll more than three votes anyhow.” Wild conjecture followed as to who the other two voters would be. Rumor finally laid tbe responsibility at the door of two Phi Alphas. The rumor was later bitterly denied by the fraternity en masse.
At the behest of that crumbling and decadent body, the Student Senate, the annual elections have been moved up to April 11th. This coup was accomplished by cagey Pijexy Thomas who still has his good eye fixed on the few remaining lucrative returns of public office. The strategic move involves a world of complications; first, by electing the new officers so early in the year, they can begin their term of welching from the Senate Reserve Fund by taking a free trip to the FSGA convention at Gainesville. Second, by installing the officers after the convention, Thomas the Turrible can assure himself of a little vacation too. And they thought Napoleon was smart.
Last week’s Senate meeting was closed with a motion that class wide contributions be made to the cause of growing some hair on the Prexy’s haid, since the Thomas hairline has already receded to a point immediately between the Medulla Oblongata and the Fissure of Rolando.
Let’s Imagine Mac Giving an Exam
The class is excited. Undertones of whispering runs about the room and trips over a few chairs, too . . . the air is electrified, courtesy of Florida Power and Light. In other words the class is scared pink-and-green.
Action starts as in stumbles the prof (eernest CrMackin) with flien-dishh glee slurped all over his face . . . Revenge has Come! . . . it’s test time again! . . . going to the black-and-blue bloard he areses all the blurb of Fooconomics 112 collected
Old Man Hin Gonna Giva Away Free Food
Free lunches, not to exceed the amount of seventy cents, will be given the first fifty students reaching the cafeteria between 12:30 and 1:30 Saturday, U. J. Hiss, business manager, announced this morning.
Students are advised not to loiter in the halls during this time.
Joe Worms a $1000 Pension Out of Senators
Pensions of $1000 per year will be granted all future student government presidents, according to a unanimous vote given by senate members in last Tuesday’s meeting held in the Chi Omega sorority room. In order to meet this obligation, students will be assessed an extra two cents on next year’s activity fee, stated Joe Thomas, president of the student government.
Hedwig Ringblom, student body delegate, was given permission to install a “jook” organ in the soda shop. Likewise through her request, beer will be sold to deserving students at all hours. Senate members advised the serving of tea in the various labs throughout the afternons. Bob Olson emphasized the need of “refreshing weary students during their laborious work.”
Adjustable and cushioned seats will be installed in all classrooms next week, to accommodate those students who experience a heavy “morning after.” Although John Ospovitch was greatly opposed to this grant, Bunny Lovett heatedly contested the argument and emerged from the fray victorious.
Petitions to grant the fencing and golf teams $500 each for added equipment were referred to the finance committee, with a recommendation for mercy requested by Milton Feller, Bob Iba, and Len Ricci.
Mel Patton Says Artie Shaw Will Play lor Prom
Twelfth annual Junior Prom, with Artie Shaw’s band furnishing the music, will climax Junior Week at the Coral Gables Country Club Saturday night, April 21 from ten ’til two. Mel Patton, newly elected president of the junior class, made a proclamation yesterday setting aside the week of April 17 as Junior Week, during which the juniors will sponsor entertainment such as tea dances, parties, and athletic contests.
Several innovations have been made for this year’s prom. For the first time the juniors can boast of a national big name band, and for the first time the dance will be a closed affair for juniors and seniors only.
Patton announced that he had just completed negotiations with Artie Shaw and had signed the contract this morning. (
En masse juniors have been hold- j ing lengthy meetings in the auditorium to formulate their plans for the prom. Under the direction of Patton, the industious prexy, the committees have been diligently doing their appointed jobs. Daily the chairmen make reports on the work they have accomplished.
Smiling broadly Patton commented, “Everything is well in hand. No expense or effort has been spared to make this prom the crowning social event of the year. This is the Junior Prom you’ve always dreamed about.”
during the course of previous lec-toors . . .
The class groans as the first question is scribbled on the bloard — “What proffessor (?) was seen rapped around a telegram pole last night as plastered as the day is short?” (CrMackin likes to stirr up gossip about himself) — the answer was supposed to be “ask Patio Leeks, it always noses” . . . onslaught after onslaughter is chucked at the poor stewdents until the floor is knee-deep in brackish sweat drained from the poor stewdents . . . when the period is up and the exam half-over, the prooff excuses them with great malice in his voice.
Debate Team Resigns in Mass Protest
In vigorous protest against “the Administration’s present policy toward debating at the University,” the left wing varsity debate team and the conservative Debate Council, yesterday as one man handed in their official resignations, all except Dick Arend, who holds a scholarship as team manager, Jack Madigan and Bud McLinden, who are running for office, Irving Lebowitz, who expressed himself as completely bewildered about the whole thing, and Lloyd Whyte, who sees in the defiant mass resignation an opportunity for
skillful coup d'etat that will put him at the top of the heap holding all eight positions on the debate team, the first man in the history of University debating to be No. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 man on the team and also president of the Baptist Student Union.
Scurvy Inhospitality
The Administration, the ex-debaters charge, treated visiting debate men in a “scurvily inhospitable” manner, not only making N. Y. U. guests escort Stephens girls to the Kampus Kink Kapers, housing the North Carolina boys in a barn-like structure near the freshman dorm, and bedding them in army cots, but requiring them to eat in the University cafeteria.
“We could have stood all this,” declared Debate Spokesman Milton Wasman, “had not the administration refused to pay a trifling bill of two dollars and thirty-nine’ cents ($2.39) contracted in entertaining our visitors after our debates.” Appeasement Policy Fails
Attempts to follow an appeasement policy and reach some sort of conciliatory arrangement resulted in blank failure this week as high-ups in the administrative staff turned stern faces to the debaters’ efforts to be kind but gently firm on the subject of the bill.
U. J. Hiss, University business manager, is said to have expostulated “Preposterous!” when he caught sight of the staggering amount spent on the visitors. Dr. Owre, University secretary, is definitely known to have said, “Preposterous!”. Mr. Preston, University secretary, could be heard through the halls exclaiming, "Preposterous.” Dr. Pearson, University secretary, could not be reached for a statement.
Makes Charge
Anxious to obtain both sides of the story, the Hooeycane sent out an expedition to the office of Mr. Preston, University secretary, who explained that it was not so much the size of the bill or the fact that it was contracted at Kelley’s Torch Club that the University secretaries couldn’t stomach, “It’s that odd 39 cents. Do you know of any concoction at Kelley’s Torch Club that is priced 39 cents?” the University secretary asked Hooeycane reporters in a reasonable manner. “I don’t know; nobody does. I strongly suspect Mr. Arend is mishandling the meal tickets.”
Resented Slur
Upon hearing this searing indictment of their team manager, who, they insist, is “honest as the day is long,” all those members of the debate team and the Debate Council who didn’t give a hang, resigned en masse, except Arend, Madigan, McLinden, Lebowitz, and Whyte, who announces that he will soon be ready to make public his plans for his coup d’etat that will make him only man in the history of University debating to hold all eight positions on the debate team and at the same time be president of the Baptist Student Union.
Boyle Would Refund Manhattan to the Indians
☆ tr	☆ ☆ ☆
DignitariesPictured atDadicatienCeremonies
Tomorrow evening at eight p.m. as the yeast rises, the Chi Omega sisterhood will present for what it’s worth its annual cornival. It will be held in the University boiler roo/n, and promises to be an event of much esteam. Due to cramped quarters, all booths will be combined, so let it not perturb you if your ice cream cone bought at booth no. 457% gets shot full of holes from a b.b. gun from booth no. 398 %. Merely replace the holes with nuts purchased from booth no. 234 17/18, and go on your merry way.
Jitterbug dancing will be part of the evening’s entertainment, and unless you can sling your left leg over your right shoulder, you haven’t a chance at first prize, which is three bottles of Groan’s Linament. There will also be a prize for the best decorated booth, but the University Knitting Circle believes they already have it sewed up.
There will be much to eat and drink, and drink, and drink, and everyone is looking forward to playing Heavy, Heavy, Hangover . . . My Head! the next morning. Great
Eddy To Describe Turnip Planting
Nelson Eddy, noted screen actor, will highlight tomorrow’s varied assembly, Ray Fordham, in charge of proceedings, announced today. Dances by a male chorus group and a short skit by members of the dramatics department will be other features of the program.
To Randier Solos
Following a discussion of methods of planting turnip seeds, Mr. Eddy will render a number of vocal solos from current motion picture hits. Students who will represent chorus girls include Joe Dixon, Walter Ki-chefski, Chuck Guimento, Art James, Dutch Trobliger, A1 Cohen, Doss Tabb, Red Tobin, and Bill Steiner.
Mid pomp befitting the occasion, Brad Boyle, impressario extraordinary and chairman of the Student Refund Drive, presented the University, as shown on a silver platter, to the Florida Power and Light Company. The ceremonies, emblematic of the more than successful conclusion of the drive to refund the University, was witnessed by A. Teeter, Esq. (shown center). Things went off without a hitch.
Chi Omegas Wash Necks, Get Up Steam For Boiler Room Blow Owt
They Finally Got Rid of Baumgarten
Eddy Bumgarden, 37, a senior in the School of Music, died yesterday afternoon in the Gooniversity Cafi-teria. An autopsy revealed that suffocation was responsible for the death, which occurred at 12:23 p.m.
Bumgarden was eating a 25-cent plate lunch of beef stew, beans, and mashed potatoes, when he choked on a mouthful of stew. Gasping for breath, he clutched for his throat, and fell to the floor—dead.
Autopsy Performed
An investigation by Doctor Kitchen two hours later disclosed that a bullet in the food was responsible for his death. Several times hitherto, roaches, hairpins, nails, flies, and rocks have been found in the cafeteria food, but this is the first that a bullet has been discovered in the hash.
Chief Sox, of the Gables police, offered the following solution to the case, “I believe the bullet in the stew was the same one that was used to kill a cow back of school this afternoon. It’s the same caliber.”
Only Freak Meat Used
U. Pay Hiss countered the charge of Sox by stating, “We only use the cow for hamburger.” However, evidence is against him, as three hundred witnesses stated in an interview this morning.
Bumgarden is survived by seven children, John, Tom, Amy, Cecilie, Lynette, James, and Eddy, Jr.—all of Tifton, Georgia. The body is to be shipped home today for burial in Evergreen cemetery.
Scott!
Bingo will be bery sneakily played and, of course there will be some fortune teller to scare you into the mood to spend more money. The big attraction of the evening will be a gala midnight celebration in which the homeliest girl at the carnival gets thrown into a boiler. She will be garbed in a lovely cloak of gasoline, and will probably be well lit. The ashes will be escorted by Ray Fordham.
Band Boys Are Being Sent Over To Scare Hitler
Because of fine performance and cooperation evidenced throughout the current year, members of the University band will tour Europe during the summer, according to Mr. Walter S. Shaffer, conductor. To be financed by citizens of Miami and Coral Gables, the tour will be featured by the attendance of the group at the 1939 Olympic games.
Members will embark June 21 on the Queen Mary, and are scheduled to return the latter part of August. Germany, England, Belgium, Switzerland, Holland, and France will be among the countries visited. Nego tiations are at present being effected to have the boys participate in a cel ebration on August 8 to honor King George of England.
Future plans will be released in later edition of the Hurricane.
Exec. Chairman Urges Students To Get Behind Drive
The student refund committee Fathered yesterday in solemn conclave. Chairman Boyle, exuding unction and scattering rhetoric to the four winds, presented the problem facing them.
“Gentlemen,” quoth the dimpled darling of the Delta Sigs, “this ia an important moment.” Boyle paused there was a moment of dramatic silence, then springing headlong through the awaited wave of applause he repeated, "This is an important mo-ment.”
"We rest on our oars. We have given of our best, every one of us We have set a goal, and with our own life’s blood achieved the Impos-sible _ jUI, was expected of us.” (Cries of “Hear, Hear,” from an en-thusiastic audience). u "Tour Faith Ju.tified”
‘You have demonstrated your faith in my leadership, and have put aside all thought of personal gain or fame for the common good. We have gained our end, despite the backbiting slackers on that stinking sheet, the Hooyecane. Now we have reached rnt‘ Man '“""o' »‘and atui, NOR does he want to. We, like one as well known in his day as your own chosen leader, seek new worlds to conquer.”
Again the trained seals, led by Two Ton Teeter made the welkin ring.
There has come to my attention” and the beaming Boyle became the shrewd, silent, inscrutable, behind-the-scenes Boyle, “through the activity of my undercover agents, word of a rank injustice that has been perpetrated on an innocent people Some of nature’s noblemen have been duped hy godless trickery. The island of Manhattan, worth untold millions was snidely stolen from these simple folk for a few pieces of silver,” Boyle smiled winningly, “and a handful of pretty knickknacks.” Cries of “Shame shame” rang out, and Teeter muttered, at the point of tears, "Oh, the pity of It.”
With Simple Dignity Boyle gathered himBelf for a Anal burst of oratory, “I propose,” he said with suitable gestures, "with your able assistance to remedy this situation. Gentlemen, I want to give New York back to the Indians.”
“I have a plan. First we’ll get the Little Flower (I know him well) to proclaim a holiday, known as “Refund New York Back to The Indians and Clear Your Conscience Day.” Then we’ll choose up teams; and you Teeter, because of your undying devotion to the Cause, shall have first choice. Then we’ll get some badges, red would be nice, don’t you think?” “What but red,” echoed Teeter.
"And," continued Brad, "some of those cute little assignment cards; for everything must be put down In black and white. And then boys, then, we’ll go out and sweep them off their feet; and before you can say Brad Boyle, we 1] have them all signed up —one hundred per cent. What say you gentlemen, are we mice or are we men?”
“Men,” answered Teeter, praying devoutly that it was the right answer.
A Slimy Bubble Bursts, a Horrible Head{?) Appears, Egad!It’s Prestone
A great scummy bubble shimmied its way to the surface of the lagoon and listlessly broke. The slow wave of ripples which it started rolled to the rocky shore and reverberated, and then the little pool was still.
An hour passed as the greenish West Indian moon glittered on the silent expanse of slimy liquid. Then, the whole pool shook in a titanic upheaval. Out of the oily fluid rose the weirdest of God’s creations, the Prestone! His enormous orbs shown with an unholy light as he approached the shore, and his huge arms of stiffened protoplasm crept up onto the rocks. He was a dull purple red in color, encrusted with minute mollusks and great scaly warts. His jelly-like skin gave off an odor scarcely reminicent of this world, and his bulbous body shook with suppressed rage.
A dainty little doe tiptoed down to the opposite edge of the lagoon to get a drink before curling up on her bed of fragrant jungle grasses. She
sniffed, and then lowered her head to lap the limpid water. The monster saw her almost at once, and slid noiselessly under the lagoon’s surface. The young female deer was still drinking when he rose with an astounding quick bound from the bottom. Her large brown eyes widened in terror, and her big nervous ears leaped backward in astonishment. But before she could move, he was upon her! She screamed hopelessly as his fleshy arms enclosed her firm young flesh, and then she died, every bone in her young body broken by the impact of the monster’s blow. Loathsomely, the Prestone lifted the dead deer into his maw, stuffed the crumpled carcass into his voluminous belly.
Then, his meal finished, the monster slid off the shore and disappeared amidst waves of warm, oily water. A few minutes later, a large scummy bubble broke the surface and burst. All was still.