Miami Hurricane, April 01, 1983

              ard Dreyfuss and Chevy Chase, as well as complicity in the consumption attempt on President Reagan's life last year in Washington.
President Edward T. Foote IT. Vice President for Student Affairs William R. Butler and Dean of Students William B. Sheeder were all unavailable for comment due to a pressing racquetball tournament.
Associate Dean of Student Personnel Susan T. Peters was available, and said: "It’s about time I got a promotion "
All UM fraternity and sorority members will wear their togas at half mast for the remainder of the month in tribute to Sandler.
Dean William Sandler (left) is seen here only seconds before being devoured by land shark (right)
By JACK KOUSTOW
Not The Hurricane Fish Correspondent
Dean of Student Personnel & Associate Dean of Students William W. Sandler, Jr. was attacked and eaten by a vicious land shark this past Monday in his office located in building 21H.
The land shark, tentatively identified by police as 16-year-old Lu-cien "Jaws” Montague, was taken into custody by police officers from UM Public Safety.
Montague escaped from the Sea-quarium three weeks ago in the midst of a uprising in which four guards and a barracuda were savagely devoured.
Sandler had been marked for consumption by the terrorist group GILLS (Guild of Innocent Little Land Sharks) for some time as a result of finding a group of four land sharks guilty of dormitory breakage and illegal dormitory occupancy in a recent disciplinary hearing.
The four land sharks were later expelled from the university.
Police officers arrived on the scene only minutes after the attack. One of the officers at the scene said that Montague uttered the words "yummy” and “could've used some more salt” as he was being apprehended.
Montague had been sought in the celebrated attacks on actors Rich-
SEE PACE 3
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Volume 59 Number 44 Phone 284-4401
APRIL FOOLS FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1983
Dean Bill Sandler
Attacked By Shark
Wooden shack9 new moat part of non-master plan
By L. FERNANDO
Not The Hurricane Presidential Correspondent
CORAL GABLES — President Edward T. Foote has announced Phase Three of his non-beautification plan for the university.
Among the plans to be implemented are:
•	Construction of a football stadium where the Ashe Building is presently located.
"Athletics has always been my highest priority,” said the president. "That is why 1 am eliminating a useless building such as Ashe."
•	Relocation of the president's office, now in Ashe, to the Coral Gables Country Club.
•	Construction of a moat, which is to surround the president’s soon to be re-renovated office. "I need privacy!" he remarked. “I’m tired of seeing students wherever I go!”
•	Ten new wooden shacks will be built for the newly-established School of Communications. Each shack will be equipped with rotting floors and leaky ceilings. Some of the shacks will also have peeling paint: others will have no paint.
"From the shacks they came and to the shacks they will return!” said one dean.
•	Relocation of the geography department to Miami, Ohio. The Office of Public Affairs and “university friends" are counting on the department to get lost on the way there.
•	Elimination of the Student Union in order to build a huge greenhouse This would save UM the cost of having to buy the trees that will be planted in every other parking space, according to administrators.
•	Changing the name of the University of Miami to the University of Botany.
The non-beautification plan would only eliminate 5,143 parking spaces, according to administrators.
"But that’s OK!" say parking officials. “Parking is not the main priority at a university campus — having enough greenery is more important! Besides, we’re negotiating with business establishments such as Burger King and D’Pizza for parking spaces! We calculate it would take students only 25.4 minutes to walk to their classrooms from a parking lot!”
Needless to say, Public Safety is in favor of having less parking spaces, as it has been scientifically proven that less spaces result in an increase of parking tickets.
"Oh goody!” one meter maid was heard to remark.
One of the new shacks, part of the master plan, which is being constructed for the newly-established School of Communication
Inside
News
There’s plenty of great news stuff in this newspaper. None of that boring stuff — I’m talking great news /PAGES 2-5
Opinion
Want to know why Max and Cody are always in the same place? Want to know whare the Not the Hurricane staff will he in 20 yeare? If you do, skip news /PAGES 6-7
Entertainment
Yes, folka, they let Ari Quirch out of his cage and he most certainly is in rare form. See if you can guess which articles the loon wrote /PAGES 8*9
Sports
After a slow start, Ronnie, John and Holly started to pet their acts together and have put together a pretty funny section /PAGES 10-12
Classifieds
Who the hell is Mrs. Cleaver, anyway? /PAGE 12
Opinion /PAGE 6	Entertainment /PAGE 8
Sporta/PAGE 10	Classifieds/PAGE 12
r	•*
President names three deans
A new era in academia is ushered into the University of Miami. Foote finally ends his long search
UM’s three new deans: Dr. Fine, Dr. Da Rita, Dr. Howard
By CAN O’PEAS
Mol the Hurricane Dean Correspondent
University of Miami President Edward T. Foote II today announced the appointments of three new deans, effective June 1, 1983.
The three new deans are: Dr. Moe Howard. Dr. Larry Fine and Dr. Curly Joe Da Rita
Dr. Fine is a graduate of Bald State University, and is an expert in the field of Porcupine Reproduction.
Of Fine, Foote said: “In our desire to improve the appearance of this fine, no pun intended, campus, we feel that it is imperative that we return to nature.
“Larry Fine is the world’s fore-
‘Nyuk, nyuk. I’m a victim of soicumstance. Woob, woob, woob, woob, woob, woob.’
Dr. Curly Joe Da Rita, Dean of the School of Medicine
Dr. Moe Howard comes to UM from Ted Healy University where he received his Ph.D. in Theories of Brutality.
In making the appointment, Foote commented: ‘,‘Moe is a tough son of a gun who won’t take any crap from his students. When I visited Healy U. this past February, 1 watched Moe take a wrench and give this uppity little snot an on-the-spot nose job. It was great.
“There is a tremendous need at this university for intensive discipline. With Moe in the fold, the University of Miami will now be in a position to mold the type of students that any military institution would be proud of.”
most authority on porcupines, and with his help, we will have plenty of these adorable little creatures roaming our campus. We are going under the assumption that our students will be bright enough not to get pricked.”
The third new appointee, Dr Curly Joe Da Rtla, never went to college and is merely masquerading as a dean. Speaking at a press conference on Tuesday, Curly said, “Nyuk, nyuk. I’m a victim of soicumstance. Woob, woob, woob, woob, woob, woob."
Curly Joe will be the new Dean of the School of Medicine and will be working to help find a treatment for goiters.
Plans announced for
By AMOS JACKO
Not the Hurricane Dormitory Correspondent
In recent days, there has been much confusion as to what will become of the newly closed 1968 Complex. Today, UM President Edward T. Foote announced that as part of his beautification plan, 1968 Complex will become a huge garbage can.
“I feel that this will greatly benefit the overall appearance of the University of Miami. At least the garbage can is visibld and there can be not excuses for not 'pitching in,’ ” Foote said in his announcement to the press early Friday morning.
Students who are currently living in the 1968 Complex say that the changeover would not be very difficult. “Since we’re halfway there already, it will be very easy to implement the necessary changes," said Suzy Student.
George Shoffner, director of Residence Halls was thrilled about the announcement.
“It’s one less dorm that I have to worry about," Shoffner said.
In addition to this reason, Shoffner was happy because of the recent fire he has come under to add kitchens to all dorm floors, instead of just the floors for international students. “This move is going to save the University of Miami a lot of money,” he said.
Dean of the School of Engineering and Architecture Norman Ein-spruch was particularly disturbed about the announcement. According the official sources, the University had speculated about the possibility of putting the newly-established School of Architecture into the 1968 Complex.
“I feel that it is totally unfair to convert this building into a garbage can. The building represents a rare form of architecture and it would be a great challenge to our students if they could have the opportunity to figure out what the people were doing when they designed the Tower,” Ein-spruch said.
But John Steffian, chairman of architecture and planning in the School of Engineering and Architecture, asserted that all has not been lost. Steffian said that a compromise could be worked out where the students would work side by side with the garbage.
“Each student could have a garbage chute of his own and work to design special offices amidst the trash," Steffian said.
newly closed dorm
The 1%8 dorm, now converted into a huge trash can
Provost finds miraculous Fountain of Youth
By PONCE de LEON
Mot the Hurricane Youth Correspondent
In an amazing scientific discovery, Provost William F. Lee has taken 15 years off of his life by drinking the water in the fountain located behind the Ashe Administration Building.
University of Miami scientists are investigating the water, which they believe to be a mixture of tap water, matzoh ball soup and Geri-tol.
Lee was seen doing pirouettes in front of the Richter Library after having drunk more than three gallons of fountain water and eaten fifteen Stella D’oro breadsticks. Said Lee: “It couldn’t have been the breadsticks — all they do is give me gas.”
The provost was understandably excited about the discovery: ”1 simply had to wash down those damned breadsticks. It was like eating mulched sandpaper.
“I took a quick swig and knew there was something different about that water. It was richer.
more full-bodied. The aroma wasn’t too overpowering, and the taste was sensational. There was also a bit of a kick, too.”
Lee said that for years he had tried a host of different methods in an effort to look youthful. “I tried dianetics, shoe polish, a quart of Vi-talis daily — even Jane Fonda's exercise tape — nothing would work.
“My wife was going to leave me. She’s quite young looking, and people would often confuse me with her father. 'What a lovely daughter you have. Bill,' they would say. It got to the point where I wanted to punch somebody's lights out."
When asked to comment, UM President Edward T. Foote II said. “I knew that one day I'd find a real excuse for having that fountain built."
The fountain has been made off limits tor any further consumption pending further investigation.
In the interim, Lee has indicated that he will take a extended leave of absence from his job as provost in order to take a night job at the Crazy Horse Saloon.