Quipper, No. 10 "Anniversary Edition", July-August 1982

              * NO. 10 JULY-
AUGUST ’82
ANNIVERSARY EDITION
A LETTER FROM THE EDITORS
Thanks, first of all, must be extended to everyone who has paid our admittedly outrageous subscription price: you have enabled QUIPPER to remain only slightly in the red while printing roughly 2,000 copies per edition — which you have watched other people receive for free.
Some would call you suckers. On that point we offer no comment; however, we cherish your support... re-subscribe now!
It has been a year since Q1 was seized from mailboxes in New York and San Francisco, and subsequently began appearing under hotel doors and in demo kits around the world. We thought that we might scrape together two or three editions, laugh a little, lose some money, and fade into the Pan Am past like Tom Fabians. For some (lack of) reason there has been a demand for what we do. We plan to keep a satirical eye on the Pan Am scene for some time to come — at least, in any case, until the layoff in October.
"Who writes this stuff?" is an oft-asked downline question. Besides being fired and sued for libel were this information revealed, there are practical reasons for remaining anonymous. We don't have time to get the facts behind the rumors that make up most of our news. As opposed to credibility we offer incredibility. Then too, were our names revealed we'd be subject to pressure from some of the sacred cows we enjoy slaying — and that doesn't just mean the IUFA.
The survival of QUIPPER is inextricably linked to the "Lone Ranger" status of the Editors. "Who was that masked malefactor?" must remain •the operative and unanswered question. Of one thing you can be certain: if someone claims to know the Editors, he or she doesn't.
Although QUIPPER is a glorification of the rumors, lies, and innuendo that float about in the flotsam and jetsam of this unreal Pan Am world, we occasionally sneak in some truth — or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Granted, ours is a peculiar perspective. But even a tale told by an idiot can be a source of revelation (or revile-ation). We hope to provide you with many such tales in the coming years.
GAY RE-QUALIFICATION EXAMINATION (GRE)
It is of course the fashion these days to be gay, or to have gay acquaintances ("some of my best friends are..."), or to frequent gay clubs ("those boys sure know how to have fun..."). This affinity for things-gay has, in fact, grown slightly out of hand, particularly in the permissive airline business — where the only thing hard to swallow is a straight steward. Something had to be done sooner or later to separate the boys from the girls from the boy-girls: hence, the Gay Re-Qual Exam (GRE).
Yes, with foreign language announcements being de-emphasized on all flights, and with our Language Head drifting about the world on his S — 1 passes, the Company needed a new scheme for harassing Flight Attendants that would replace the Language Re-Qualification Program (see Q9). And so you, the Flight Attendant, should be forwarned before you're tested:
DO NOT PRETEND TO BE GAY. It may be tempting, but in the end MasterBator might force you into some very unpleasant jobs on the forthcoming "G" lines.
We offer you here a QUIPPER exclusive: a preview of the exam, presented with the hope of saving everyone the embarrassment of being misjudged. There will be several types of questions (to which there are no "right" or "wrong" answers) and you will be judged NATIVE, GOOD,
CLOSET, or just plain STRAIGHT. .Some examples:
1)	—If you hate quiche, you're Straight;
—If you only eat quiche socially, you're Closet;
—If you love quiche and serve it every Sunday for brunch, you're Good;
—And if you wrote Julia Child to tell her that your quiche recipe is simply fabulous and would she like to borrow it, you're Native (and a pushy queen at that).
2)	—If you never do the galley, you're Straight;
—If you'd love to do the FiCL galley but are too embarrassed to volunteer for it, you're Closet;
—If you do Napkin Knack with the ease of a Japanese origami instructor, you're Good;
—-And if you have your own pair of sequined galley gloves and mono-grammed "tools," you're Native.